Therapy Session

Two weeks ago at the end of my therapy session I told the T that I needed to talk to her about something.  I waited to the end to tell her this so I wouldn’t have to talk about it in that session but wouldn’t back out of what I had to say in the next session.  As it turns out the following session was cancelled because my T was ill.  I considered not bringing it up last night but felt that I really needed to talk about what I was feeling.

We started the session with the T saying that she would like to keep things low-key due to the high anxiety that Christmas brings for me plus I probably won’t be seeing her for 2.5 weeks because of the holiday season.  But I told that I should talk about this now regardless of how I would deal with it later.

In the last three months, three friends died unexpectedly and very tragically.  Each one was a shock to me and affected me in ways that I have never been affected before.  Two of the deaths I heard about through the media and the third one a person told me.  All through my life when someone I knew died, even family members, I didn’t really feel much.  I have always kind of wondered why but at the same time didn’t give too much thought about it.  It seems when I decided to shut my emotions away to keep me safe, I shut my emotions away for everything.  Apparently when I built a wall to keep things in, it also kept things out.

These deaths have affected me in a way that I wasn’t affected before.  So I talked to my T about it.  She said it was grief that I was feeling and it was completely normal and human to feel it.  I am not familiar with grief which I’m sure is an odd thing to say.  I have experienced sadness when people have passed but nothing to this extent.  I’m still not sure what to do with what I am feeling.

I can’t help but wonder why I feel this now.  I think one reason is that therapy in the last 6 months has made me feel more vulnerable.  I have tried to open up more.  Maybe the walls are starting to lower.  Even writing this freaks me out.  The walls have kept me safe for so long, I’m not sure what I would do without them.  And experiencing this level of emotion is also frightening.  I don’t know what to do with it because it seems so overwhelming and it caught me off guard.  I think that I will step behind my wall again just for a break but I hope that I will not stay there.

 

Melancholy

There is something about this season that causes melancholy to settle more deeply in my soul.  I often feel melancholy but Christmas seems to make me more aware of it.  I’m not really sure why.  Maybe because the Christmases that I remember were never very happy.  There was a lot of alcohol and fighting involved. Even the Santa Claus that would go door to door was drunk.  He would walk in the door and promptly fall into the Christmas tree.  I’m sure my parents thought it was funny but I thought it was scary.

As I got older I would dread Christmas and what it would bring.  My parents were alcoholics and at this time of the year the liquor would flow even more freely.  And the violence would escalate.  I would then wish that I could live somewhere else.  Christmas could be scary for us kids because it was so unpredictable.

I also think that at this time of the year, I tend to dwell on what never was or what could have been. But you would think that as an adult I could just leave all that behind. The circumstances of my present is better then in my past. There are a number of things that I enjoy about this season now. But for some reason I can’t seem to leave the childhood feelings behind.

Unfortunately when I start feeling melancholic a number of other things seem to come up.  I start wondering if all the struggles are worth it, if there is any hope that things can change. It seems to be a battle that goes on and on.  But as my T says, I must have some hope somewhere within me because I do keep going regardless of how I feel.  I would like to come to a place where I could just let it all go.  But I don’t know how to get there yet.

 

Christmas and Agoraphobia don’t mix for me

I don’t really enjoy Christmas.  I guess I should qualify that.  It’s not so much Christmas as the memories that are attached to it.  It wasn’t a very happy time for me as I was growing up.  Since I left home Christmas is usually a quiet time for me.  Even though I don’t enjoy it I do enjoy gift giving.  I used to go to the malls and other sorts of shops to find the perfect gift for those who were on my list.  All that ended when I was stricken with panic disorder with agoraphobia .  I no longer can go into a mall.  In fact it’s probably been 12 years since I have been in one.  I also have problems with big box stores as well.  With a lot of work and practice at least I can go into most smaller stores.

One of the problems I find is the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season.  I’m not sure if it’s me, but it seems to have gotten worse over the years and it starts practically before halloween ends.

This may sound somewhat weird but with all the excitement and stress over Christmas, if I can get into a store I seem to ‘feel’ all the energy the people are putting out.  All the noise and excitement, all the lights and movement really ramp up my anxiety.  I like to spend time comparing items and reading the fine print but when my anxiety is high I tend to lose focus and concentration. My eyesight goes funny as well.  Gift buying is almost impossible for me at this time of the year.

Over time I have learned to work around it to a certain extent.  I try to be organized and buy my gifts throughout the year.  I will use catalogs as well for some items.  And of course the internet has been the best thing since sliced bread for shopping.  Or maybe the worst thing since if I was so inclined I wouldn’t have to leave my house at all.

Although agoraphobia seems to be another reason not to enjoy the Christmas season, with a lot of adaptation and hard work I still can enjoy gift giving.  For that I am thankful.

 

Strength

My therapist on occasion has mentioned the strength that she sees within me.  I don’t see it myself and will tell her so.  She told me recently that maybe I am comfortable feeling that way.  I have given it some thought and she is probably right to a certain extent.  It is hard to let go of my belief set and step out of my box.  I also think that we are looking at it from different perspectives.

She tells me that she sees strength in me in how I survived and learned to cope with what I was dealt with.  She also tells me she sees strength in that I am willing to go through the hard stuff  in my healing journey.  I see a lack of strength in me because of how I can’t seem to deal with it now and that I let my past affect me after all these years.  I see a lack of strength in me for the fact that it even affected me at all.  But the curious thing is, is that I don’t see a lack of strength in other people at all.  I can easily see the strength in others with their healing journeys and lives.  I’m not sure why I can’t see it within myself.

So as I said I have given this some thought.  I decided to step out of my box and try to figure out what could be a strength.  If not a strength then an accomplishment.  I hope that I can come up with something.

 

Relationship with Therapist

I have a developing relationship with my T.  It makes me more than a little anxious.  I have spent my entire life avoiding the “sharing of my inside self” type relationships.  I am not a hermit but in fact I am quite social. My relationships never go beyond the surface stuff.

But I also realize that to progress with my healing that I need to share my “inside self” with my T.  It has taken over a year to try to trust her, even just a little.

I have finally come to the place where I am sharing little bits of myself with a few big bits thrown in.  This is creating in me a vulnerability that I am resisting big time.  I think this is one of the areas where my anger is coming from.  I actually feel quite threatened even though I have no reason to feel like that.

Another area of concern for me is dependence.  I have always been very independent even as a child. I had to look after myself as well as my siblings.  I would spend as much time by myself as I could and I asked for help as little as possible because if I did, it would lead to some sort of bad scenario.  So for me to start sharing of myself and asking for help makes me feel that I will become dependent on the T.  I’m afraid of swinging from one extreme to another. I’m not sure if I am being irrational or if this is a legitimate fear.  I wonder if there is such a thing as a healthy dependency verses an unhealthy one.  Maybe I should try to get up the courage to talk to my T about this.

The other big problem is that I know that this isn’t a regular type relationship.  I am afraid that if I fully enter the relationship it will suddenly end.  Then what?  I have given thought about that lately.  I have a feeling that it will be like having someone close to me die.  I know when the therapeutic relationship ends I probably will never see her again.  I am not sure that I could handle that after investing so much in a relationship.

 

Unexplained Anger

I had my therapy session yesterday.  I felt like crap all night and for a good part of today. My head didn’t seem to be attached to my body.  I’m not sure what is happening.  The session wasn’t particularity intense.  In fact we have backed off of the hard stuff for a bit.  We have been working on mediation type stuff and grounding.  My T is helping me create a safe place where I can take kind of a time out when things get intense for me.  I sometimes have a hard time with this exercise.  It seems like a form of escapism.  But I also remember doing this when I was younger to help settle my anxiety down.  I will give a fair try to see if it helps.

The problem that I have had with the last few sessions is that as the session progresses I can feel anger starting to build.  I haven’t said anything to the T about it yet.  I am trying to figure it out without much success. I have come up with several things that often make me angry within the therapy session.  Sometimes I think that her kindness makes me angry.   I’m not sure what to do with it.  Or I will get angry if I think that she doesn’t care enough.  I will get angry when I think that I have exposed too much of myself to her.

But to tell you the truth I’m not sure why this is coming up within the sessions at this time.  All I really know is that it is taking a lot out of me afterward.

 

 

Sleeping can be hard

I often have a hard time sleeping at night.  I either can’t get to sleep or I keep waking up all night long.  It can make for some long days.

Part of the problem is that I can’t shut my mind off.  If it is few days before my therapy session, I’m obsessing about what I will say or how it will go.  If it is after the therapy session, I keep replaying it in my mind, thinking about what I didn’t say or could have said or maybe have said differently or, or, or…

As well, when something comes up in therapy, I will think it to bits.

I also have a lot of weird dreams that will wake me up.  They will often follow me throughout my day.  The nightmares are the worst.

Then there are the nightmares that I will sometimes actually sort of act out.  I think with these I am in sort of half wake – half sleep mode.  But of this I’m not certain.  Usually these dreams consist of me being trapped in a small dark place.  Or sometimes the dream is of someone chasing me and they have a gun.  I have freaked people out if they are around when I have these kinds of dreams.  With these dreams I often end up destroying things.  For example, one time with one of my trapped dreams, I destroyed the bottom of the top bed of a bunk bed with my bare hands. I was in a complete panic state and would do anything to get out of the small box I was trapped in.  I finally woke up after the damage was done.  It usually takes me awhile to re-orientate myself after this happens.  I had some explaining to do the next day but how do you explain that?

In the being chased dreams, I have ripped up some window screens in my panic to escape.  I really dread these types of dreams and often worry that therapy will trigger one of them to happen.

Sometimes at night I will wake up with a freaked out feeling.  It can be because I think that I have heard footsteps in my room.  My heart will start pounding and I can’t get back to sleep.  Rationally I know there is no stranger around because my dog would certainly let me know.  But at this point there is no rational at all.

If I am lucky at all, the reason I can’t sleep is because the wind is keeping me awake or I am excited about something good.

 

The Letter is Written

I finally wrote my letter. It was a very hard thing to do.  Thank you everyone for your suggestions.  I looked at the comments as I was writing to help me along.  To my surprise it ended up being three pages long. I’m not sure that everything I wrote then I would believe today.  But that is how my mind works at times. My T also wrote a letter to me about my progress in therapy.

The day that I had my session was very stressful.  I am always rather stressed anyway before my session which is in the evening after my workday.  On this particular day I also booked a hair appointment for the early afternoon.  The salon is a half hour down the road opposite of my therapy appointment. So that means a two-hour trip to get to my session. I booked the hair appointment early enough to give me enough time to travel.  Well I got to the hair appointment and she was running an hour behind.  My stress level shot right up. I almost cancelled my appointment right then and there but she is going on maternity leave and wouldn’t be able to reschedule.

Anyway to make a long story short, I ended up being about 15 minutes late for my therapy session.  I really don’t like being late for anything but I guess this couldn’t be helped and it wasn’t a big deal to my T.

I sat down and we chit chatted for a few minutes so I could try to settle down. I probably should have taken a clonazepam but I really don’t like to take them when I have to drive long distances.  They relax me but also make me somewhat stoned.

My T and I exchanged our letters.  As I read mine and she read hers we were both kind of amazed.  We wrote almost exactly the same thing about me only in different words and styles.  This at least confirms to me that I am not in left field in how I am seeing myself and what I think I’m learning.  I must say though, I found it weird to read what someone had written about me.  And I also have to say I’m extremely glad I am finished with that homework!

 

 

Writing about myself

I should be doing my therapy homework but instead I am writing about it.  I have put it off for about two weeks now.   I am supposed to write a letter to my therapist about myself.
She wants me to write it as if it might be a friend who is writing about me and who knows me intimately and sympathetically .  She wants me to write of the changes that I have made since I started therapy.  And apparently she will also be writing a letter to me.  That will be interesting as well as nerve-wracking.  I know therapy is supposed to be all about me but I’m not comfortable with the attention towards myself.

So I open my journal to write and all I can do is stare at the paper.  I am at a loss for words.  I can’t think of any good things to say about myself but I could fill pages up with bad things.  Why is that? There must be good things that I have done in therapy, ways in which I have changed for the better.  My brain has been spinning trying to find something to write.

How have I changed since I have started therapy?  Well, one thing I do know is that I have shared some things with my T that I have never shared with another single human being before.

Maybe I can start there as I stare at the blank piece of paper trying to figure out what to write.

 

What Does Being a Survivor Mean?

Today my T phoned me.  Whenever I see her number on my phone I know that she is cancelling the appointment.  Sure enough that’s what happened.  She is not feeling well and the agency that she works for was sending her home. She is not allowed to come back to work for three days.  The agency wants to make sure that anyone who is not feeling well doesn’t have the H1N1 flu. 

I understand this but I hate when the appointment gets cancelled.  I always find it hard to get back into it after being away for a few weeks.  Also this week my thoughts are in high gear and I need to get them out somehow.  I hate it when my brain doesn’t stop.  I hope writing here will help.

What I am about to say only pertains to me and is something I am trying to figure out within myself.  I think this of no one else.

At my last session my T was talking about hope and me being a survivor.  I wasn’t aware of the word survivor in the context of abuse before I started therapy.  I had no idea that a person who lived through abuse was called that.  But I’ve always disliked it when someone has called me a survivor. I have never felt like one.  So I questioned her about what she meant.  She said I was a survivor because I survived the abuse.  And that makes me a strong person.  Well I begged to differ.  I didn’t survive in a thinking way.  I just got through it.  What else would I do?  I actually had no choice in the matter.  I survived only because I wasn’t killed.  I did think about killing myself quite often.  But at that young age I didn’t really know how to go about doing that.  Was I strong?  No, again I had no choice in the matter.  I was along for the ride.

So my question to my T will be “what is the difference of being strong or not strong when going through the abuse?”.  Maybe this is a question for myself.  I can give you many reasons why I think that I wasn’t strong during that time.

My next question to her will be, and it is something I am trying to understand;”what is the difference between being a survivor and not being a survivor”?