Words

I live in my head, unconnected to my body.  I am starting to see how true this is.  In last night’s session as well as many sessions before she asks me how I’m feeling.  She asks me what are the feelings I feel associated with certain things that have happened or are happening in the present.  To my frustration I can never really answer her.  I say I feel low.  But that answer is not good enough for my therapist.  She will ask me what is the feeling(s) that are making me feel low.  I tell her that I don’t really know.

She asks me if I would like to try drawing the feelings that I don’t have words for.  I say sure while thinking how can I draw the unknown.  I should know better because many things come out of the art that I do.  (keep in mind I can’t actually draw :) )

One interesting thing that came to light for me through this exercise was the concept of grief.  I haven’t ever given this much thought when it comes to myself.  I haven’t ever considered the possibility in any serious way that I may have some (maybe a lot of) grief residing in me.

But now I wonder.

As a five-year old I remember sitting in a dark room at night looking at the houses across the street wishing I lived in another family, trying to figure out the best way to kill myself.  I don’t remember the reason for wanting this at that young age.  But those feelings I felt then have never left me.

I wonder if I was grieving a loss of a childhood I hadn’t even lived yet, one that I really wouldn’t live.  Maybe my body knew something my young mind didn’t.

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This entry was posted in Abandonment, Abuse, Anxiety, Conversation, Dissociation, Family, Fear, Grief, Relationships, Running, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Trust, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Words

  1. JBR says:

    Dear one hugs sent your way as you relive these memories. Yes, I said the same thing to my t. We can grieve what we lost and for some of us it may be hard to move on past that. I still struggle with that. Especially when it comes to not ever having a husband or even a real intimate serious relationship. It still stings what the enemy has stolen from me because of my past and the fears it brought on. But, then again, as I heal many things are being replaced and restored. Hope for one thing!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think you are right that it may be hard to move past some things. Even though we have lost much there is still hope as you say. I just need to hang on to that.

  2. Hey there lovely. It sounds like you are really working hard at this even though it is tough going – I think things will become clearer as they go on. It certainly sounds like your five year old didn’t have much to live for, and plenty to grieve for. I hope that you can begin to get to grips with some of these feelings and move through them – a really tough process but I totally believe in you.

    much love,

    xx

    • lostinamaze says:

      it is a tough process samesky, tougher then I thought it would be. Probably because I never let myself deal with the emotional parts. Moving through them is the key. I have always moved around them and at a distance. I need to let that five year old have a voice even if it’s emotional… thanks for believing. xx

  3. Amanda says:

    A couple of weeks ago, I realized that I lost my childhood. I had known this to be true for a very long time, but I never connected with it. It sounds like you’re connecting … and I am glad you’re able to, even though I understand it’s painful. Keep going through this process, you are doing really well.

    Take good care of yourself …

    • lostinamaze says:

      To be honest it’s something I don’t really want to connect with but I know I need to go there in order to process it out. I seem to be connecting regardless and I know it will be for the better in the end. It’s a tough realization.

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