Wordless

warning: this will be about suicide

I have picked up my computer a hundred times only to put it back down a hundred times.  So much is swirling through my head but I can’t seem to find the words or energy to express any of it.  The last few weeks have been tough for me.  I am struggling. I am in a state of melancholy that I find quite annoying.  It’s like a low-grade depression that kicks my butt.

A few things have happened in the last few weeks that triggered this episode.

Another acquaintance of mine killed himself.  He was a very nice person. It’s so sad and it’s made me sad in ways I can’t seem to explain.  Our area has a very high suicide rate for some reason.  I have lived in this area for many years and can count on my fingers and toes the number of people I have known who have died in this way.  And for some odd reason it triggers the suicide feelings I’ve had all my life.  I have been talking about this with my therapist and thankfully she doesn’t freak out.

Another of my friends was admitted to the psych ward last week as well.  He suffers with  depression and suicidal thoughts.  This is the first time he has sought help.  It wasn’t easy for him to seek the help but I’m glad he did.  His wife told me that the last couple of suicides in our area really affected him as well.

I think this stuff combined with what I’m working on in therapy combined with being physically tired from working too much has overwhelmed me.

There are words deep, deep down and when I break they will come pouring out.

This entry was posted in Anxiety, Conversation, Grief, Suicide, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Wordless

  1. Ellen says:

    Keep talking about it maze – don’t be wordless! Painful feelings need to be expressed but not acted on. Glad your T doesn’t freak out. take care

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yeah, I’m truly glad my t doesn’t freak out . It is so much a part of me I need to be able to express some of it safely.

  2. Neloran says:

    Hi!

    I don’t think it’s odd at all that having someone you know pass away in that fashion has stirred up your own thoughts/urges of suicide. I had someone I was close to also kill himself, and not only did it bring up my stuff, but I kept wracking my brain, going – “Could I have done something? Did I miss something? I should have acted sooner when he disappeared!” etc. etc. etc….

    Even when I see stuff on the news that becomes high-profile (meaning: EVERY NEWS STATION is playing the story), it triggers me. And it triggers just about every woman in my support group, too. So, again, I really think it’s normal. It beyond tough, and I wish you didn’t have to be experiencing this right now. I bet you’ve been through enough in life…like us.

    I’m glad your other friend took that step to be proactive. He got the help he needed. Please know that’s ok for you too. Every once in a while we need to make adjustments to our treatment plan. Whether it’s to fine tune, a little extra homework, a phone session, or something major like going back to the hospital….you have to do what is best for you.

    Be safe!

    -Nel

    • lostinamaze says:

      That’s good to know. I find my feelings very conflicting which adds to the confusion I often feel about it. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize that I’m actually being triggered by what has happened such as the suicide. Thankfully my t pointed this out to me. I’m not too good at asking for help but I’m trying to change that.

  3. Amanda says:

    I am in agreeance with the above comments … keep speaking and the words will come to you. Sometimes pain just fills us up (from surroundings, triggers, etc) and there is nothing we can do about them, however take the time to discover where they’re coming from. It is understandable why you’d be triggered with suicide, considering the way he passed. Your friend going to get some help is a really good step for him – I’m glad he went that route.

    Thinking of you and hoping you stay well.

    • lostinamaze says:

      My t has been very persistent with me in trying to figure out where stuff is coming from for me. I have a strong tendency to ignore everything which apparently isn’t helpful for me. :)
      My therapist has been very good for me in this way. Learning that things such as the suicide can trigger me has been a big step for me considering that not to long ago I didn’t believe anything triggered me!

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