Integration

I haven’t given this word much thought. I’ve read many blog posts on this concept but never related any of it to myself.  That is until a few sessions back. We didn’t talk about this in-depth it just came up casually with the therapist. The conversation was actually focused on denial.

It seems I keep beating around the same bush when it comes to denial.  I can’t seem to help denying what happened to me, denying the badness of it.  And when I vaguely talk about something that happened it’s like I’m not connected to the story at all. I can’t seem to connect to feelings that maybe I should have about what I experienced.

We talked about this for a while.  I think it is a hindrance to healing in some ways.  I need to own what happened.  I know nothing can be changed but I need to be able to say ‘yes this was MY experience’.

I told her it felt like it wasn’t my experience but someone else. I told her when I start to talk to her about ‘stuff’ a major conflict begins in me.  I have realized there are parts of me stirring within causing all kinds of trouble for me.

I also came to realize during that session that my trauma is being held elsewhere and not here.  And that’s when she brought up the word integration.  Funny but before this session I could say the word integration with no problem but during the session I couldn’t spit the word out no matter how hard I tried.  It was extremely anxiety provoking to say the least.

I find this confusing (and I’m sure this all reads confusing) and I’m not sure how I should go ahead with such knowledge.  My therapist says this is a protective thing for me and we need to deal with it slowly.  Truthfully I don’t know if I can deal with it at all.  I do feel extreme fear with the thought of it. Oh well, if nothing else I am stubborn and persistent.

Good way to be on this scary journey!

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This entry was posted in Abuse, Anxiety, Control, Conversation, Dissociation, Fear, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Integration

  1. Just Be Real says:

    ((((lostinamaze))))

  2. Amanda says:

    It sounds like your therapist is very right, that it is a protective thing for you.

    Remember, that you have dealt with and are dealing with a whole lot already, and it is likely that at the beginning of each topic/situation/event, you felt similarly … that you don’t have the ability to deal with it. But you are here, and you are not in the same spot you were (even from several months ago). You can and will get through the next step, it just may take some time and patience.

    Be kind with yourself … I know you can do this.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Ahhh…the being kind to myself is the hard part it seems as I try to work through this stuff. Than!s for the encouragement Amanda. :)

  3. This sounds really interesting. I’m definitely looking forward to learning how you address this in therapy. BTW, I’m sure you already know this, but it’s really common to detach yourself from experiences as though you’re telling the story of something that happened to someone else.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes I’m finding out how true this is with what’s going on for me. I didn’t realize how much of a detachment I actually experience, probably because I’ve only ever told some of my story in a vague way. I’m finding it rather disconcerting though.

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