The panic attacks seemed to come out of the blue for me. But when I look back with the knowledge that I have now maybe that isn’t quite the truth. As I look back into my early childhood even though I don’t remember much of it, I realize that I had moments of anxiety.
There was a period in my life when I would stay awake all night, night after night watching out for fire. I became concerned that our house would burn down. I guess it was bad enough for me to be taken to the doctor. I ended up being put on some kind of tranquilizers for awhile. I would also freak out if someone was sick in my class room at school. I could not be around sick people. I could not even handle it when I was sick. And I am still like that with myself when I’m sick.
As I got older I learned how to ignore any anxious moments until I didn’t even recognize them anymore.
As I became a young adult I started having the rare mild panic like attack. I would have no idea what had just happened so as usual I would just ignore it and carry on. Then came my first major panic attack that I couldn’t ignore. I was up in front of a large group of people playing my guitar when it hit. Of course I was trapped and had to continue what I was doing. It took all my will power just to do that. Looking back I believe that’s when the fear set in that would eventually turn into agoraphobia.
I think for me that was the start of when my tightly controlled behaviour started to unravel. As I told my therapist, my container started leaking. When the major panic attacks/agoraphobia became unmanageable I just couldn’t ignore them anymore. My life was hugely affected.
I just find it strange that this kind of stuff can go on and I didn’t even have a clue until about two years ago. I’m not sure what I was thinking.
So I guess the question is, even though it seemed to happen suddenly out of the blue, did it really?