It was hard to make a phone call on my own. The former therapist thought it best that I make the appointment myself. I’m not sure what her reason for this was. Never the less I was very nervous about it. I didn’t know what to expect. It took me a few days to work up the nerve. The intake counsellor asked me a few questions and then put me on a waiting list. She said the waiting period would be about a month.
The initial appointment was the intake interview with the counsellor. Unfortunately I was in a bad place at the time. I was still very angry and hurt over the recent termination of therapy. On top of that I had a month to ruminate over it. I think the whole situation was unfair to the counsellor who was interviewing me. I was having a hard time controlling my emotions which is very unusual for me. I didn’t show much emotion outwardly but it sure was rolling around on the inside.
Anyway the counsellor asked me a whole lot of questions about my past, family and a pile of other questions that I don’t remember. One of the questions asked was about self harm. I told her yes. It has been something I have done for much of my life and never gave much thought to it. It was something I just did. I actually didn’t know anything about it until fairly recently. I just took it for granted. As I got older I was quite bothered about it but I’m not sure why I was so ignorant about it. Anyway it is a very private thing with me and now when the counsellor wants to discuss it I am very reluctant to and will try to divert her away from the subject.
And then she asked me about suicide and that’s when my anger came out. It came out in what I thought was a controlled way and certainly not physically. But really I lost control of my words. I told her of my thoughts and my plan. She asked about the plan but I wouldn’t disclose it. I told her that it was none of her business nor her concern. It was my life to do with what I wanted to do. Anyway I’m sure you get the picture. Well, this proved to be my undoing.
It ended up I had two appointments for the interview. Even through all the crap I was feeling I felt a connection with this counsellor. I felt that maybe I could work with her. I had another appointment so she could discuss the assessment with me. Well I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. She said that I couldn’t see her for therapy. She said that I needed more supports in my life. She presented me with a letter to myself outlining what I should do. She also gave me a letter to give to my doctor, who was leaving in a few days. In this letter was concerns and recommendations.
Wow another blow. I was stunned. I thought that I was trying to get more support. One thing that really bothered me is that if I was so suicidal in her eyes why would she just cut me lose with just a letter?
In all fairness she really didn’t know me as I laid all this out before her. In hindsight I think I was testing her to see if she could handle my stuff. Apparently not.
It didn’t seem that I was having much luck.