Moving On

The therapist,  who I will call “D”, was a kind person.  She was probably a good T for me to see for the first time.   Although there was a number of things I found very frustrating and annoying.  Being new at the experience I was never sure on what to say or even what was expected of me.

I would walk into her office and she would ask me what should we work on or what should we talk about.  This probably is a reasonable question but I am a person who doesn’t disclose easily.  In fact, as weird as this might sound, even if I wanted to disclose I really didn’t know how to.  I lived my whole life never talking about anything personal.  It was a skill, if you could call it that, that I didn’t have.

So she would ask and I would say “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure”.  Then she would question my motive for coming or did I really want to work on “stuff”.  I would feel bad and keep thinking that if I didn’t perform properly she would drop me.  I think she was just trying to kick start me and this was her style. But I always wondered if I was doing it right.

Another thing I found interesting was her note taking.  The whole time I talked she would take notes.  Pages of notes.  I would wonder how she could pay attention to me while taking notes the whole time.  A number of times I asked her what she was writing.  She would tell me she was writing what I was saying.  I was a little paranoid about it.  How many people would see these notes?  A couple of times I asked her not to write what I was about to say.  She said that she wouldn’t but who knows, I never did read any of her notes.

Regardless of her style she was a kind and compassionate person.

It turns out that I wouldn’t be seeing her for very long.  She had gotten ill and had surgery and then shortly after that D ended up moving away from the area.  Just before she left I received a letter in the mail from her.  She sent me a flyer advertising a group called “The Healing Journey”.  D was recommending that I apply to attend.  Group therapy?  Hmmm…..

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4 Responses to Moving On

  1. WillSpirit says:

    Therapy is so over-rated in our society. Courts send people to it like it will somehow ‘cure’ them of their problems. Maybe sometimes, but with so many incompetent therapists out there, it seems like a dangerous practice. A court sent me to counseling when I was sixteen. The guy took notes in a folder with a huge red stamp on it: “CONFIDENTIAL”. At one of the final sessions he called my father in with me, and told my dad he would be reporting to the Los Angeles Police Department that I would be likely to continue using drugs (the ‘crime’ was marijuana possession). I felt terribly betrayed, after telling him all my deepest feelings, that he would be turning in a report like that to the police. I suppose he did not break ‘confidentiality’ with regard to his notes, but it still seemed rotten of him. But I never found the courage to confront him. I just quit talking about anything ‘real’. But that was my first ‘therapy’. It should have kept me away for good, but no, I went on to have years and years of counseling with a number of clinicians. Some helped, but several did more harm than good.

  2. lostinamaze says:

    I know I have persisted with my therapy even though it often seems like an up hill battle.

    I am trying to figure out the therapeutic relationship. There are times when it causes great angst in me.

    The reaction I got with my first therapist when I talked frankly about suicide has made me very cautious about what I will discuss. At least until I can feel them out on how they stand on certain issues.

    I still am paranoid about all those notes but then again who would be that interested in my life?

  3. Rach says:

    I wrote a post recently on my shrink taking notes… I totally get where your coming from.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It’s kind of weird and I’m not sure what to make of it, but that therapist took pages and pages of notes but the psychiatrist that I see now doesn’t write one word down.

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