For as long as I can remember I have had this profound sadness that resides within me. Some days it is stronger than other days. It can be so overwhelming that it causes my chest to hurt. It can feel like my heart will explode. I have tried to figure out where this deep-set feeling comes from. Is it because I was born into a distressed childhood or is it because I was born into a distressed world.
There are no tears with this sadness. I haven’t had tears for myself since I don’t know when. I remember the day when I vowed to myself that Wayne (my father) would not make me cry ever again. I wish I could break that vow now and shed the tears that must be there.
Some days I’m not sure if it is sadness that I feel or despair. Or can I even tell them apart? I think that I have despaired all my remembered life as well. When I despair I seem to lose hope that anything will ever change. I go into a black pit but still there are no tears. For me anyway.
I hope some day the vow that has become a steel wall will collapse and once again I can shed the tears that have been collecting for a million years.