Profound Sadness

For as long as I can remember I have had this profound sadness that resides within me.   Some days it is stronger than other days.  It can be so overwhelming that it causes my chest to hurt.  It can feel like my heart will explode.  I have tried to figure out where this deep-set feeling comes from.  Is it because I was born into a distressed childhood or is it because I was born into a distressed world.

There are no tears with this sadness.  I haven’t had tears for myself since I don’t know when.  I remember the day when I vowed to myself that Wayne (my father) would not make me cry ever again.  I wish I could break that vow now and shed the tears that must be there.

Some days I’m not sure if it is sadness that I feel or despair.  Or can I even tell them apart?  I think that I have despaired all my remembered life as well.  When I despair I seem to lose hope that anything will ever change.  I go into a black pit but still there are no tears. For me anyway.

I hope some day the vow that has become a steel wall will collapse and once again I can shed the tears that have been collecting for a million years.

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4 Responses to Profound Sadness

  1. WillSpirit says:

    Lovely and moving. Good that you are able to sit with this sadness, and experience it without fleeing. Life is sad, and it is healthy to live with that. It sounds like you have had much tragedy in your past, and I share your hope that you will find a place and a moment when it feels safe to let loose and cry. I realize (from posting previously) that this material may have come from some time in the past, but I speak to you as you were when these feelings flooded your consciousness.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you Will. This is how it is for me now. It is something that I haven’t been able to resolve and not sure that I ever will. I find it strange that I can have the pain and sadness without the tears.

      • WillSpirit says:

        Not so strange. A sign of the depth of the pain, I think. I don’t know your age, but I am fifty, and only very recently (after literally about a thousand therapy sessions) have I been able to weep about the deepest parts of my sorrow. Small things could make me cry easily, but the big, harrowing grief remained out of touch.

      • WillSpirit says:

        ps It’s not that I didn’t feel that grief, by the way. But feeling it and really letting it ‘hit’ me seemed like two different things. I’m not sure if I describe the same thing as you experience, but maybe a little similar, anyway.

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