All through my life there have been words that I strongly dislike. They will cause some unidentified reaction in me. So much so that I won’t even say some of them. And some of them I will say but with great reluctance. I have been trying to figure out why this is so.
One word I have problems with even as a child is “bitch”. I can’t even call a female dog that. That word just makes me feel awful. I can’t recall much of my childhood but I wonder if Wayne (my father) called my mother that all the time. There is a good possibility that he did as my parents were very violent towards each other. Unfortunately I was often witness to the bloodbath that would ensue.
Another word I have trouble with is “trauma”. I am starting to understand my reaction to this word. When I hear the word in relation to me it brings up a strong denial reaction in me. When the counsellor talks about the severe trauma I went through, I say whoa, what I went through wasn’t that bad that you have to call it trauma. But that will be another post. I don’t even like using the word “abuse”. I’d rather just say “stuff”.
The word “masturbation” also bothers me. This one I’ve been trying to figure out for a while now. A thought that has passed through my head is that maybe my reaction is shame. I was exposed to a lot of sexual stuff growing up such as watching people have sex, sexual type games, etc. But I’m not really sure.
This is all stuff that has bothered me for quite a while now. I think that I am finally starting to figure some of it out now. Sometimes I wonder why it takes me so long to make these kinds of connections. I am starting to realize that some of my quirkiness is actually related to that “stuff”.