I never really thought that it affected me. Nothing I couldn’t handle anyway. Besides it was all in the past. I had it all contained. I would listen to other people’s stories and never acknowledge mine. I didn’t have a story. I would rarely talk about my past and certainly nothing about the bad stuff that went on.
Although I will say that it has been like white noise in my mind. Sometimes just background noise, sometimes drowning all else out. Images are constantly replaying in my mind but I’ve always been able to ignore them like they are separate from me. This is hard to explain even to myself.
Then the anxiety burst out of the container and has caused me to walk to a little closer to what was and to what is. It is a path I need to walk no matter how hard it will be. I just hope that I can do it.
It’s like I have two lives, the one the world sees and the one that only I see. But the one that I only see is ignored by me. I need to learn to acknowledge and accept that part of me. It’s something I have been working on in therapy but I just haven’t been able to get there yet.