Is sadness always?

I had a hard time living in my house as a kid. I desperately didn’t want to be there.  I would constantly be thinking about running away.  I would plan what I would take but never had a destination in mind.  I didn’t know where I would go. But I never did run away, not physically anyway.  I  was always too afraid to actually do it.  Still I would plan.

I would spend some of my nights staring out of my bedroom window at the houses across the street with a sadness that was almost unbearable.  That sadness still resides within me even though physically I am in a much better place.  I just haven’t been able to shake it.  I wrote about how I felt hoping that if I put it into words it would help.  What it did do was bring my past a step closer to my reality.  Here is what I wrote.

A child sitting in the dark by a window

staring out at the houses across the street

longing with all her heart that she could live in that other house

a profound sadness fills her being

at what her life is

even though her life has not been lived

yet lived a lifetime

An adult sits in the dark by a window

staring out at the houses across the street

wondering what lives are being lived in those other houses

a profound sadness fills her being

at what her life is

at the life that was lived a lifetime ago

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2 Responses to Is sadness always?

  1. Harriet says:

    Sad children make me sad. I think of myself as a child and I get very sad. I’m sorry you had a hard time as a kid, and that you are having a hard time now. How to get out of that pattern, does anyone know?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m sorry that you get sad as well when you remember yourself as a child. This is one of the areas I hope to work on in therapy. But I don’t think it will be easy.

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