I saw my therapist today after a two week break. She had cancelled our last appointment due to sickness. I always find it harder than usual to get back into therapy when it has been disrupted. I always feel bad about how I feel when appointments get cancelled. She can’t help it when she gets sick. And I understand that but it doesn’t change how I feel. Sometimes it makes me feel angry or not good enough or displaced somehow. I really don’t understand it.
I tend to think about my appointment somewhat obsessively a few days before. I try to figure out what I should talk about. What I want to talk about is always changing. I seem to invest a lot of head time doing that so when the dreaded question “so what do you want to talk about” comes up I would actually have a topic. So when the appointment is cancelled I feel like I have been cut loose. It’s kind of like now what?
Then the irrational thoughts start. Is she trying to tell me something. Maybe she’s dumping me. Did I say something to offend her? Maybe she finally realizes how bad I really am. On and on it can go.
I’m not like this when someone changes or cancels a dinner date or a doctor’s appointment so why am I like this when my T changes or cancels my appointment?