Today I had an appointment to see my new family physician. I was quite nervous about the whole thing. I dislike having to start over and having to review everything. My former doc told me that she met with my new doc and discussed with her what we had been doing. She did this so I wouldn’t have to start at the beginning again. But of course my new doc wants to hear my story from the beginning. Then the questions began. I understand why she is asking questions. But I get worried about where the questioning might go and I don’t know what’s written in my chart.
At first we mostly discussed the panic disorder and the agoraphobia. I am ok talking about that since it is fairly safe territory even though I hate having it. It totally gets in the way of my life. But then the conversation starts drifting over to the abuse. I have no idea what my former doc had told her. I kept my answers fairly uninvolved as I just can’t blab all to an unknown person. She seemed all right with that which was a relief to me.
Then the dreaded questions about suicide. I never know how I should answer these questions. I always worry that if I am too honest it will get me into trouble. I have learned that I need to get to know the person’s comfort level with suicide before I can be totally honest with them. Until I know where they stand I am very vague with my answers.
She then asked a question that nobody has ever asked me before. It kind of threw me off. She asked “do I have hope”. Well in all honesty I couldn’t answer. I know at this point I have chosen life. I think being in therapy proves that. I want to be able to live life to the fullest. I don’t want the abuse to be fore front in my life all the time. I don’t even want it to be background noise. But if it doesn’t change what then?
So do I have hope? I still can’t answer that.
I think I might like this doc. I could see compassion in her eyes and she took time with me. I always appreciate it when a busy person gives me time.