Internal War

There is a war going on within me.  It has been escalating over the last few months but I have recently come to the realization that it started about a year ago.  One day my T asked if I would bring pictures of myself as a child.  This in itself was a bit of a challenge as I don’t have many.  I did find a few for my next session.  I found some of when I was a baby, some preschool pics and some school photos.

My T got me to look at the photos and then asked me what I felt about them.  I actually didn’t think that I felt anything.  It was like I was looking at any kid.  It was a strange experience but I thought whatever.  But a couple of things did strike me right away.  I wasn’t smiling in any of the photos except for the school one. Also one of my abusers was in almost every photo. That was something I had never realized before.  Or maybe I just ignored that fact.

As time has gone on I keep going back to these photos in my mind. And I am becoming aware of some feelings that really do bother me.  I look at that kid and I hate her.  I know “hate” is a strong word but I want to say it like it is. I wish it wasn’t so.  But at the same time I don’t know why. I hope to figure it out some day. Sometimes My T talks about the inner child and I respond with there is no such thing within me.

I also have a lot of anger happening when my T starts to talk about the so called victim and the abuse that was supposedly suffered .  I have not been able to acknowledge the fact of being a victim fully yet. And the fact that what I went through was bad.  I just can’t go there.  Looking at the photos brought to the fore front how I feel about myself in regards to my past.  I never realized how intense the anger is.  It kind of took me aback.

All this has made me aware of the dialogue that has been within me but never acknowledged.  It feels like I am in a constant war and it tends to really come out during my therapy session.  The intensity of this conflict stays with me for a few days before it calms down.  Sometimes this internal conflict makes concentrating at work rather difficult.  I dislike feeling so distracted and not in”me” – if that makes any sense.

My T has explained what is going on in a way that helps me make sense of it.  I am still trying to come to terms with it even if it does makes sense. I will try to explain what is going on in the next post even though I’m not sure that I understand it fully myself.

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6 Responses to Internal War

  1. Sounds like you are saying you feel really angry with that little girl for going through what she did – almost like you want to get rid of her? Does she get a say in the dialogue at all?

    It does sound like it is really difficult to deal with. Thinking of you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Unfortunately that’s exactly that. Right now the little girl has no part in the dialogue. My T wants to try to see if we can break through by using art. Although at this point I’m not sure what would work because the anger seems so strong.

  2. Marie says:

    Hi, lostinamaze –

    Wow . . it sounds like you have found a sore spot . . . I’m glad you are looking into “it” and that you have support while doing so!

    – Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes, it seems overwhelming right now. I just hope all the pain is worth it. I am just beginning to realize that I can’t do it alone and am thankful for the help that I am receiving now.

  3. Harriet says:

    I’m so sorry that you hate that little girl. It is a strong word, but if that is how you feel it seems great that you are facing it.

    Do you hate her because she allowed this to happen to her, or because she didn’t stand up for herself? Which, of course, you know intellectually wasn’t possible because she was just a child.

    This seems like something very hard to work through, but worth working at for sure.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Why I hate her is something I am trying to figure out. I won’t be surprised if both reasons you mentioned are involved. I know in my head the child part is true, if only I could get my heart to believe.

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