My T has on occasion talked with me about the parts within me. I would look at her like she was the crazy one and change the subject. But I have finally started to acknowledge that maybe she is right. I have been trying to be more aware of my reactions when we venture into the hard stuff.
I have been aware of three for sure. There is the so called victim, the angry one and me. More often then not it is the angry one who is showing up in therapy. This seems to show up mostly when we start talking about the so called victim. This doesn’t make me happy as I feel like I am losing control. I find anger quite scary and I don’t know where it could lead. Plus I think that there is another strong part involved here but I haven’t been able to identify it yet.
Also I have been giving a lot of thought concerning my reaction at looking at my photos as a kid. Since I started the therapeutic journey just over a year ago with my current T, she has on occasion talked about the inner child within me. Every time she would mention it I would respond with a not me. I am an adult, there is no kid in me. But a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about why I always react so strongly when the words “inner child” are mentioned. I have come to the conclusion that there is an inner child that I don’t want to acknowledge.
I told this to my T and she couldn’t hide the joy at this admission. Unfortunately I don’t feel the same way. This part is buried pretty deep. But at least I finally realized it. The T asked me how old I thought the inner child is but I have to say that I don’t know. I guess time will tell.
At least now I am starting to understand all the conflict that seems to go on inside of me. I spend a lot of energy trying to contain everything and keep it all running smoothly particularly on the outside. Sometimes I wish I could just let go.