Parts warring within

My T has on occasion talked with me about the parts within me.  I would look at her like she was the crazy one and change the subject.  But I have finally started to acknowledge that maybe she is right.  I have been trying to be more aware of my reactions when we venture into the hard stuff.

I have been aware of three for sure.  There is the so called victim, the angry one and me.  More often then not it is the angry one who is showing up in therapy.  This seems to show up mostly when we start talking about the so called victim. This doesn’t make me happy as I feel like I am losing control.  I find anger quite scary and I don’t know where it could lead.  Plus I think that there is another strong part involved here but I haven’t been able to identify it yet.

Also I have been giving a lot of thought concerning my reaction at looking at my photos as a kid.  Since I started the therapeutic journey just over a year ago with my current T, she has on occasion talked about the inner child within me.  Every time she would mention it I would respond with a not me.  I am an adult, there is no kid in me.  But  a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about why I always react so strongly when the words “inner child” are mentioned.  I have come to the conclusion that there is an inner child that I don’t want to acknowledge.

I told this to my T and she couldn’t hide the joy at this admission. Unfortunately I don’t feel the same way.  This part is buried pretty deep. But at least I finally realized it.  The T asked me how old I thought the inner child is but I have to say that I don’t know.  I guess time will tell.

At least now I am starting to understand all the conflict that seems to go on inside of me.  I spend a lot of energy trying to contain everything and keep it all running smoothly particularly on the outside.  Sometimes I wish I could just let go.

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8 Responses to Parts warring within

  1. Wow. It takes a lot of energy, doesn’t it.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I feel like I have opened a can of worms and I’m busy trying to catch the ones that are escaping in order to stuff them back into the can. I’m hoping to learn how to let them out in a controlled and safe way. One of my fears is loosing control.

  2. Harriet says:

    Yep, I’m the same way. No inner child in me. Even when I was a child I had no inner child.

    • lostinamaze says:

      That’s what I have always said to my T. How could I have an inner child when I had to be an adult or do adult things as a kid?

      But my view is slowly starting to change although I am still trying to figure some things out.

      I think that I think too much!

  3. Wow lostinamaze!
    I cannot tell you the extent to which I identify with your post.
    The ‘inner child’ stuff? It sickens me to think I have an inner child and, although I have PERHAPS begun to acknowledge its possible existence, a part of me is fighting it tooth and nail.
    I understand about having different parts in you and wanting that to be the therapist’ craziness rather than your own! I was horrifed at the suggestion that I had different ‘parts’ – thought she was saying that I had DID or something.
    Apparently not.
    Seems to be rather normal as it turns out!
    Hope you are doing ok.
    I like the honesty I hear here.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you WonderingSoul. I have been struggling a lot with this. I’m not sure why I fight it so much. I am finding it quite the learning curve to say the least.

      • Thinking about your response… the ‘why’…
        I think perhaps that the fighting might be because some of those parts… are the parts that are very, very painful and damaged and acknowledging their existence… is like easing yourself onto a bed of nails.
        It feels very dangerous to accept different parts because they are in so much pain and also perhaps because some of them have acted as a wall for years.
        I’m thinking aloud… May well be waaaay off…

        • lostinamaze says:

          No, I don’t think you are way off. I think you are closer to the truth then i would like to admit. There seems to be a few parts that are acting like walls, very strong walls. Dangerous is an apt word for I don’t know what will happen if acknowledgment of the painful parts does happen. I have a hard time walking in that direction. Thank you for your comment. Something I will be thinking about.

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