Today my T phoned me. Whenever I see her number on my phone I know that she is cancelling the appointment. Sure enough that’s what happened. She is not feeling well and the agency that she works for was sending her home. She is not allowed to come back to work for three days. The agency wants to make sure that anyone who is not feeling well doesn’t have the H1N1 flu.
I understand this but I hate when the appointment gets cancelled. I always find it hard to get back into it after being away for a few weeks. Also this week my thoughts are in high gear and I need to get them out somehow. I hate it when my brain doesn’t stop. I hope writing here will help.
What I am about to say only pertains to me and is something I am trying to figure out within myself. I think this of no one else.
At my last session my T was talking about hope and me being a survivor. I wasn’t aware of the word survivor in the context of abuse before I started therapy. I had no idea that a person who lived through abuse was called that. But I’ve always disliked it when someone has called me a survivor. I have never felt like one. So I questioned her about what she meant. She said I was a survivor because I survived the abuse. And that makes me a strong person. Well I begged to differ. I didn’t survive in a thinking way. I just got through it. What else would I do? I actually had no choice in the matter. I survived only because I wasn’t killed. I did think about killing myself quite often. But at that young age I didn’t really know how to go about doing that. Was I strong? No, again I had no choice in the matter. I was along for the ride.
So my question to my T will be “what is the difference of being strong or not strong when going through the abuse?”. Maybe this is a question for myself. I can give you many reasons why I think that I wasn’t strong during that time.
My next question to her will be, and it is something I am trying to understand;”what is the difference between being a survivor and not being a survivor”?