I have a developing relationship with my T. It makes me more than a little anxious. I have spent my entire life avoiding the “sharing of my inside self” type relationships. I am not a hermit but in fact I am quite social. My relationships never go beyond the surface stuff.
But I also realize that to progress with my healing that I need to share my “inside self” with my T. It has taken over a year to try to trust her, even just a little.
I have finally come to the place where I am sharing little bits of myself with a few big bits thrown in. This is creating in me a vulnerability that I am resisting big time. I think this is one of the areas where my anger is coming from. I actually feel quite threatened even though I have no reason to feel like that.
Another area of concern for me is dependence. I have always been very independent even as a child. I had to look after myself as well as my siblings. I would spend as much time by myself as I could and I asked for help as little as possible because if I did, it would lead to some sort of bad scenario. So for me to start sharing of myself and asking for help makes me feel that I will become dependent on the T. I’m afraid of swinging from one extreme to another. I’m not sure if I am being irrational or if this is a legitimate fear. I wonder if there is such a thing as a healthy dependency verses an unhealthy one. Maybe I should try to get up the courage to talk to my T about this.
The other big problem is that I know that this isn’t a regular type relationship. I am afraid that if I fully enter the relationship it will suddenly end. Then what? I have given thought about that lately. I have a feeling that it will be like having someone close to me die. I know when the therapeutic relationship ends I probably will never see her again. I am not sure that I could handle that after investing so much in a relationship.