There is something about this season that causes melancholy to settle more deeply in my soul. I often feel melancholy but Christmas seems to make me more aware of it. I’m not really sure why. Maybe because the Christmases that I remember were never very happy. There was a lot of alcohol and fighting involved. Even the Santa Claus that would go door to door was drunk. He would walk in the door and promptly fall into the Christmas tree. I’m sure my parents thought it was funny but I thought it was scary.
As I got older I would dread Christmas and what it would bring. My parents were alcoholics and at this time of the year the liquor would flow even more freely. And the violence would escalate. I would then wish that I could live somewhere else. Christmas could be scary for us kids because it was so unpredictable.
I also think that at this time of the year, I tend to dwell on what never was or what could have been. But you would think that as an adult I could just leave all that behind. The circumstances of my present is better then in my past. There are a number of things that I enjoy about this season now. But for some reason I can’t seem to leave the childhood feelings behind.
Unfortunately when I start feeling melancholic a number of other things seem to come up. I start wondering if all the struggles are worth it, if there is any hope that things can change. It seems to be a battle that goes on and on. But as my T says, I must have some hope somewhere within me because I do keep going regardless of how I feel. I would like to come to a place where I could just let it all go. But I don’t know how to get there yet.