Two weeks ago at the end of my therapy session I told the T that I needed to talk to her about something. I waited to the end to tell her this so I wouldn’t have to talk about it in that session but wouldn’t back out of what I had to say in the next session. As it turns out the following session was cancelled because my T was ill. I considered not bringing it up last night but felt that I really needed to talk about what I was feeling.
We started the session with the T saying that she would like to keep things low-key due to the high anxiety that Christmas brings for me plus I probably won’t be seeing her for 2.5 weeks because of the holiday season. But I told that I should talk about this now regardless of how I would deal with it later.
In the last three months, three friends died unexpectedly and very tragically. Each one was a shock to me and affected me in ways that I have never been affected before. Two of the deaths I heard about through the media and the third one a person told me. All through my life when someone I knew died, even family members, I didn’t really feel much. I have always kind of wondered why but at the same time didn’t give too much thought about it. It seems when I decided to shut my emotions away to keep me safe, I shut my emotions away for everything. Apparently when I built a wall to keep things in, it also kept things out.
These deaths have affected me in a way that I wasn’t affected before. So I talked to my T about it. She said it was grief that I was feeling and it was completely normal and human to feel it. I am not familiar with grief which I’m sure is an odd thing to say. I have experienced sadness when people have passed but nothing to this extent. I’m still not sure what to do with what I am feeling.
I can’t help but wonder why I feel this now. I think one reason is that therapy in the last 6 months has made me feel more vulnerable. I have tried to open up more. Maybe the walls are starting to lower. Even writing this freaks me out. The walls have kept me safe for so long, I’m not sure what I would do without them. And experiencing this level of emotion is also frightening. I don’t know what to do with it because it seems so overwhelming and it caught me off guard. I think that I will step behind my wall again just for a break but I hope that I will not stay there.