Therapy Session

Two weeks ago at the end of my therapy session I told the T that I needed to talk to her about something.  I waited to the end to tell her this so I wouldn’t have to talk about it in that session but wouldn’t back out of what I had to say in the next session.  As it turns out the following session was cancelled because my T was ill.  I considered not bringing it up last night but felt that I really needed to talk about what I was feeling.

We started the session with the T saying that she would like to keep things low-key due to the high anxiety that Christmas brings for me plus I probably won’t be seeing her for 2.5 weeks because of the holiday season.  But I told that I should talk about this now regardless of how I would deal with it later.

In the last three months, three friends died unexpectedly and very tragically.  Each one was a shock to me and affected me in ways that I have never been affected before.  Two of the deaths I heard about through the media and the third one a person told me.  All through my life when someone I knew died, even family members, I didn’t really feel much.  I have always kind of wondered why but at the same time didn’t give too much thought about it.  It seems when I decided to shut my emotions away to keep me safe, I shut my emotions away for everything.  Apparently when I built a wall to keep things in, it also kept things out.

These deaths have affected me in a way that I wasn’t affected before.  So I talked to my T about it.  She said it was grief that I was feeling and it was completely normal and human to feel it.  I am not familiar with grief which I’m sure is an odd thing to say.  I have experienced sadness when people have passed but nothing to this extent.  I’m still not sure what to do with what I am feeling.

I can’t help but wonder why I feel this now.  I think one reason is that therapy in the last 6 months has made me feel more vulnerable.  I have tried to open up more.  Maybe the walls are starting to lower.  Even writing this freaks me out.  The walls have kept me safe for so long, I’m not sure what I would do without them.  And experiencing this level of emotion is also frightening.  I don’t know what to do with it because it seems so overwhelming and it caught me off guard.  I think that I will step behind my wall again just for a break but I hope that I will not stay there.

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7 Responses to Therapy Session

  1. Harriet says:

    I did that last week – dropped the last minute bomb in therapy. I knew it would be the only way I tell him what I had to tell him, but I didn’t think of the consequences – having to live with this uncertainty for a week until the next time I go in.

    I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your friends, that is tragic. I understand totally about your wall – I have one too, actually mine is a brick house, like the third little pig has.

    It’s nice that you can put the wall up and down though, I think that is a good use of it.

  2. lostinamaze says:

    I didn’t think of the consequences either and then my appointment was cancelled for another week. But I probably would do the same thing again unfortunately.

    Letting down the wall is very scary but I hope I will be able to do it more often.

  3. WillSpirit says:

    My mother died, probably of suicide, when I was six. About six months earlier, I lost a grandfather who I saw often though did not like much (guilt!) I went on to lose three more grandparents. I lost a close friend to suicide, and I was the one who found his body. Two other friends. My father and (hateful) stepmother have both died. And yet, grief is hard for me. I seldom feel it at the time of the loss. Sometimes it is much later, sometimes never. The only time I remember feeling really wretched and grief-stricken, which I guess is normal, was when my little pomeranian got killed by another dog. With all those people, I just felt numb.

  4. WillSpirit says:

    I hit submit too soon. Sorry. My point was supposed to be that I admire you for letting those feelings come to the surface.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Since this is the first time I have felt this way about people who I knew who died, I wasn’t sure what was going on within me. I needed to talk to someone about it because I wasn’t sure if it was normal to feel that way or if something crazy was going on.

      Interesting about how you felt about your dog dying. As an adult I feel way more grief when one of my pets die. It makes wonder if I attach more fully to a pet then a human.

  5. I have rarely allowed myself to feel grief, not even through two sons being in prison both for 8 years; one son nearly dying in an accident and ending up with brain injuries; four failed marriages; losing my father when I was 7, etc.

    I’ve kept a tight rein on my emotions and as a result I really don’t know how to grieve.

    I think it was brave of you to bring this up to your T.

    I’m sorry to hear of your losses, that’s a lot to process and deal with in such a short period of time.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you beautifuldreamer. That is really tough stuff that you have gone through.

      I had to bring it up to my T. It was making me crazy because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I have spent most of my life with little or no emotion and so I often don’t recognize it for what it is.

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