Reading about myself

I was referred to see a psychiatrist by my family doctor a few years ago now.  After seeing him for about a year he finally sent a letter to my family doc about my diagnosis and treatment plan. Of course by that time I had already filled her in.  I didn’t know that he had finally wrote a letter until my next appointment with him and by that time he had already sent it.  It took awhile but I had finally started to share a bit of my history with him.  In this letter he wrote about some of the bits.

One thing I like about my pdoc is that he always informs me when he has sent letters and he always reads them to me or lets me read them.  He will also give me a copy if I ask for one. With the first letter that he had written he read it out loud to me before he gave me a copy.

I’m not sure what I was expecting but I was totally unprepared for what I was about to hear.

When he started reading it I think that I became numb to what I was hearing.  It felt like I was hearing about someone else.  In my somewhat stunned state I vaguely heard the words ‘trauma’ ‘kidnapped’ ‘guns’ ‘abuse’ ‘post traumatic’ etc.  I asked him why he used such strong sounding words.   For example I told him that instead of the word kidnapped I would have preferred the word detained because I wasn’t really kidnapped.

All the while as I was having this discussion with him, I was thinking this couldn’t possibly be me he was writing about.  This sounds bad.  My life wasn’t as bad as that sounds.  He must have me mixed up with someone else.

And then I heard a faint whisper in my mind, “Oh yes, but this is you”.

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4 Responses to Reading about myself

  1. Harriet says:

    Oh, how difficult. I hope your doctor didn’t release you out into the world without some support after that session.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yeah it was tough but I actually don’t think the doctor had a clue about how I was feeling. But to be fair to him, I am unfortunately an expert on hiding what I am really feeling.

      I did eventually bring it up to my therapist as I was having a hard time dealing with it for some time after.

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