Denial is a word that I have never given much thought to until I started therapy. In fact I barely knew the word existed – in relationship to me anyway. I think that I was in denial about denial when it came to myself. Denial and me first came face to face when my world became totally screwed up by agoraphobia and panic disorder. I was sure that I had a brain tumor. I sometimes still think that even though I had a CT scan that disproved that theory. There was no way I could have a mental disorder, there must be something physically wrong with me. And so denial and I meet.
When I finally came to terms with the idea that I indeed have a mental disorder (did I just write that?), then came the suggestion that I should see a therapist because it could be that one of the reasons I have developed this disorder stems from my childhood stuff. This is where the denial really kicks in.
I wonder though if denial is always a bad thing. I think that it has protected me from stuff that could be overwhelming, at least until I am ready to take it on. But my thinking could be skewed on this. I haven’t done any research on it.
I really don’t believe that my childhood was that bad. And yet if I read about what another person went through I will think that’s really bad. Even if the experience is similar to mine I still can’t think this about myself. Sometimes I will question myself with “was it really that bad?”. If it is bad for others why isn’t it bad for me? I am trying to work through this with my T but am really struggling with it. It causes a lot of inner turmoil within me.
Then I have to wonder what am I afraid of?