Denial is a word that I have never given much thought to until I started therapy.  In fact I barely knew the word existed – in relationship to me anyway.  I think that I was in denial about denial when it came to myself. Denial and me first came face to face when my world became totally screwed up by agoraphobia and panic disorder.  I was sure that I had a brain tumor.  I sometimes still think that even though I had a CT scan that disproved that theory.  There was no way I could have a mental disorder, there must be something physically wrong with me.  And so denial and I meet.

When I finally came to terms with the idea that I indeed have a mental disorder (did I just write that?),  then came the suggestion that I should see a therapist because it could be that one of the reasons I have developed this disorder stems from my childhood stuff. This is where the denial really kicks in.

I wonder though if denial is always a bad thing.  I think that it has protected me from  stuff that could be overwhelming, at least until I am ready to take it on.  But my thinking could be skewed on this.  I haven’t done any research on it.

I really don’t believe that my childhood was that bad.  And yet if I read about what another person went through I will think that’s really bad.  Even if the experience is similar to mine I still can’t think this about myself.  Sometimes I will question myself with “was it really that bad?”.  If it is bad for others why isn’t it bad for me?  I am trying to work through this with my T but am really struggling with it.  It causes a lot of inner turmoil within me.

Then I have to wonder what am I afraid of?

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7 Responses to Denial

  1. Harriet says:

    Yes, the brain tumor theory. I would still rather have a brain tumor than a mental illness, what does that say about me? You are right, denial is a defense mechanism, and it protects you until you are ready to deal with whatever the problem is. I think you are afraid that you will realize that your childhood was bad, and then you’ll have to deal with it.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I would say that we are human with all that goes with being human. You are right. I am starting to learn that fear is one of the walls that keeps me rooted in place when it comes to my healing.

  2. Fear of what we might have to admit about ourselves and our abusers does keep is in denial when we are children. Denial is the only way that a child can deal with the fact that their parent is abusing them rather than protecting them. That was my childhood denial.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I am starting to realize how much denial I am in about my mother. I must admit I find the truth disturbing but I have been trying to face and accept the facts. Not easy at all.

  3. multiplexanimi says:

    Interesting post. I too suffer from denial [apparently] but I think I must be in denial of my denial if that makes sense… sigh.. its a difficult and painful journey. good luck in your therapy x

    • lostinamaze says:

      It makes perfect sense to me. For me I think it is one of my biggest roadblocks in therapy. To let go of it would be letting go a piece of my protection. Scary.

  4. Colby Kaye says:

    Thanks so much for your post, and your blog. You’re not alone. Millions of Americans suffer from a misdiagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness. Silver Hill Hospital has clinicians trained in evaluation, diagnosis and adult and adolescent psychiatric treatment and provides hope for people who may not have been getting the right care. Talking/blogging about mental illness can be extremely helpful not just for yourself, but for others in need. Keep up the good work.

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