Yesterday I went to see my pdoc and then my therapist right after. They are both in the same city. It happened that the two appointments were two days in a row. Since I have to travel so far I arranged to have them on the same day. They ended up being one right after the other. My pdoc was the first appointment. It is an hour long but we mostly talked about nothing. At least it seemed that way to me. Every so often he would ask me a question about my agoraphobia. Sometimes I wonder why I see him.
After I was done at the pdoc I drove across the city to see my T. I have struggled a lot since I talked to my brother just before Christmas. I guess I wasn’t hiding how I was feeling that good because she asked me what was up. I was having a hard time talking and my anxiety was way up, higher than normal. So after 15 minutes of fidgeting around in the chair she brought the sand box over. When I am too overwhelmed and can’t concentrate on anything we discovered that having my hands in the sand and mindlessly playing in it calms me down. I am not sure why this works. When she first suggested it I just rolled my eyes at her and told her that I didn’t think that I would like to do it. I have a hard time stepping out of my box and trying something new. I am always the skeptic. But she convinced me to just try it and wouldn’t you know it worked for me.
As I played in the sand I talked to her about whatever came to mind. I told her that I was tired. My body is tired and my soul is tired. My body is tired because I haven’t been sleeping well. I also keep having dreams about people dying. My soul is weary of all the stuff that is going on inside of me. This healing journey is a lot of work for what seems like very little progress. I then told her that I didn’t have time to be tired. She asked me if I would take some time and just sit in my tiredness. I said that I couldn’t do that. I was really resisting what she was asking. I am not sure why but I will need to give it some thought.
I jumped around talking about numerous subjects in this session, never staying on one topic for too long. My T let me ramble for the most part, not saying too much, but I’m sure we will be discussing this session next week.
This weeks session was a tough one. But then again I think most of them are hard.