I was in a weird mood going into my therapy session last evening. The last week I have felt withdrawn and somewhat defensive. My best guess for why this has happened is that I have gone into lockdown mode. I have been all over the place in my head since I talked to my brother. The T says that I’ve been triggered. Interesting that I never thought of that.
I couldn’t shed this mood before the session and so for the first half hour I was barely responding to the T. The more questions she asked the more defensive I became. I was becoming quite annoyed with myself. I finally decided to try to explained how I was feeling. She then asked me what the defensiveness looked like. I dislike these type of questions because I can never find the words to describe this kind of stuff. I could only say that it felt like all the ugly parts inside were being stirred up. That’s all I could come with.
When I have a lack of words my T will often bring out the art supplies. What I like about this is that it will make me look more inward to what is going on. But I told her that I didn’t think I could draw what I was feeling either but she asked me to just give it a try. After I sat with it for a bit I was able to draw it out. I was surprized with how it looked in the end. She kept the picture, otherwise I would show you here. Basically it is a black box with walls that are spikey on the outside and in the middle are many colored circles clustered together. I told her that the spikes are to keep everyone out and the walls to keep the ugly parts in. I told her that I can’t let them out because I think they are not nice. She then asked me to draw what they would look like outside of the box. I didn’t think that was a good idea. For me or for her. I said to her that I could feel violence and anger rising within me and that’s why I try to keep control. She said that the parts were already showing themselves so I might as well draw them. She told me that she wasn’t afraid and that I wouldn’t hurt her and that if anything did happen we would deal with it later. What I find interesting about this is that while she is asking me to trust her, she is also trusting me. Anyway I drew that picture as well and it is rather wild-looking. Oh and nothing happened.
It was an interesting experience to let it out a bit and to let another person get a glimpse of what I feel at times. I find it very hard to do and often wonder afterward ‘what did I just do’ and ‘did I just jeopardize our relationship’ to name a few. When to comes down to it I would not hurt another human being intentionally. It just feels like I could on the inside sometimes. I am afraid to let go of the dark parts because they remind me so much of Wayne ( father). And he hurt a lot of things.