Dark Parts

I was in a weird mood going into my therapy session last evening.  The last week I have felt withdrawn and somewhat defensive.  My best guess for why this has happened is that I have gone into lockdown mode.  I have been all over the place in my head since I talked to my brother.  The T says that I’ve been triggered.  Interesting that I never thought of that.

I couldn’t shed this mood before the session and so for the first half  hour I was barely responding to the T.  The more questions she asked the more defensive I became.  I was becoming quite annoyed with myself.  I finally decided to try to explained how I was feeling.  She then asked me what the defensiveness looked like. I dislike these type of questions because I can never find the words to describe this kind of stuff.  I could only say that it felt like all the ugly parts inside were being stirred up.  That’s all I could come with. 

When I have a lack of words my T will often bring out the art supplies.  What I like about this is that it will make me look more inward to what is going on. But I told her that I didn’t think I could draw what I was feeling either but she asked me to just give it a try.  After I sat with it for a bit I was able to draw it out.  I was surprized with how it looked in the end.  She kept the picture, otherwise I would show you here.  Basically it is a black box with walls that are spikey on the outside and in the middle are many colored circles clustered together.  I told her that the spikes are to keep everyone out and the walls to keep the ugly parts in.  I told her that I can’t let them out because I think they are not nice.  She then asked me to draw what they would look like outside of the box.  I didn’t think that was a good idea.  For me or for her.  I said to her that I could feel violence and anger rising within me and that’s why I try to keep control.  She said that the parts were already showing themselves so I might as well draw them.  She told me that she wasn’t afraid and that I wouldn’t hurt her and that if anything did happen we would deal with it later.  What I find interesting about this is that while she is asking me to trust her, she is also trusting me.  Anyway I drew that picture as well and it is rather wild-looking. Oh and nothing happened.

It was an interesting experience to let it out a bit and to let another person get a glimpse of what I feel at times.  I find it very hard to do and often wonder afterward ‘what did I just do’ and ‘did I just jeopardize our relationship’ to name a few.  When to comes down to it I would not hurt another human being intentionally.  It just feels like I could on the inside sometimes.  I am afraid to let go of the dark parts because they remind me so much of  Wayne ( father).  And he hurt a lot of things.

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8 Responses to Dark Parts

  1. Sounds like you did good. It can’t have been easy to express those feelings like that on paper – so well done. Awesome.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you samesky. It was probably one of the harder things that I have done and it was only the tip of the iceberg. I just hope that I have the courage to keep pressing through with it.

  2. Harriet says:

    That was very brave. And your therapist sounds very accepting. You don’t have bad parts, you have hurt parts. Sounds like the hurt parts are angry, as they have every right to be.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Interesting that you would say that about the parts being hurt and that the hurt parts are angry. My T basically said the same thing to me. I hope I can find the truth in that. Anger is scary for me.

  3. Just Be Real says:

    I can relate to the ‘lock down’ experience at times.

    I echo what Harriet responded. Your t. is very accepting. Anger at one time was really really scary for me when I was first starting out. Now, that I am used to my outbursts, it does not frighten me as much. I still get angry. But, it is a better kind of anger now. A healthier one.

    The times I cannot speak during t. my t. is very patient with me and just lets me take my time. I do not think I could ever draw what I was feeling though.

    Thank you for sharing dear one! Appreciate it!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I didn’t think that I could draw my feelings either but I was certainly surprised at what came out. But it wasn’t easy to translate it onto paper. My t is also patient with me. I really appreciate the non pressure she shows towards me.

  4. marjakathriver says:

    I just came over from the Child Abuse Survivor ning network site. This is such an interesting, thought-provoking post. I think that is such a good idea that your T supplies art supplies for your sessions. I’m sure that is helpful when words just don’t come or don’t come close to expressing the reality. I also think it’s awesome–the part about her trusting you. Sounds like you did some great work and you have a good T.

    I know the “darker” parts can be extremely scary. What I’ve come to find just recently is that the scarier parts (I had a few that I even used to call the “punisher” parts) are actually protecting/defending. It’s so hard to see it that way for a long time…at least it was for me.

    Thanks for sharing your T experiences and your blog.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thanks for stopping by marjakathriver. My t has mentioned the protection idea. I told her that I didn’t believe it because it sure doesn’t feel that way to me. It feels dangerous to me. I am hoping that working with the art I can work through the feelings to the ‘whys’ of what is going on.

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