Tonight I had my therapy appointment. At the beginning of the new year my appointments were changed from Thursday nights to Tuesday nights. Tuesday night is better for my T for a reason that I can’t remember. I prefer Tuesday as well since I tend to be less tired at the beginning of the week than the end. She also exchanged her office for a different one within the building. The appointment night change didn’t really bother me but it has taken me a little longer to adjust to the new office. Her new office is bigger and for some reason I feel less safe in bigger spaces. It is also decorated differently. The familiar things I used to stare at during the session when I didn’t want eye contact aren’t there or are in a different spot. Except for the chairs the furniture is all different. The office for the most part is decorated pleasantly but change + different + big space doesn’t equal safe in my mind.
Also when she is taking me to her office from the waiting room, I keep wanting to turn toward her old office and when she turns the opposite way it catches me off guard. It makes me feel a little lost.
I wouldn’t have thought that an office space would affect me this way. But apparently space matters to me. And if I think about it space mattered to me as a child as well. I used to like hiding in small familiar places. It gave me a sense of safety as well as a break from the chaos that was my family.
I’m sure in time the new space will become familiar and safe again but for now I feel like I am in a foreign land.