Procrastination

Last week my T gave me some homework to do.  I haven’t done it yet and my appointment is coming up on Tuesday.  She gave me some questions to answer about the rage inside of me.  It is only two questions.  The first question I have to answer three times with different answers and the second question I have to answer twice with two different answers.  Except I have avoided them like the plague.

Things are being stirred up inside of me.  There seems to be a fierce battle going on internally.  The T asked a question last session that actually caused a physical response in me.  This doesn’t happen very often so this tells me she must have struck a nerve so to speak.  I actually didn’t know that this was a big issue for me until I had this reaction.

My T asked me what would it be like if she could wave a magic wand and the rage would be gone just like that.  You would think that I would say “all right let’s do it”.  Instead I had some sort of fear reaction which really surprised me.  I think that I even physically turned away from her a bit.

At some time during the session she also asked me if I would like to work on the rage.  I honestly would like to let it go but feel real nervous about it.  She said that we would work at it slowly and in small bits.  So we are starting with the two questions.

One of the other questions she asked me was where is the rage directed.  I told her that it is mostly directed towards myself.  I told her that I don’t feel any rage, anger or anything else for that matter towards any of the perps who mistreated me.  She just kind of smiled at me.  I wonder if she knows something that I don’t.

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2 Responses to Procrastination

  1. Hmm. I wonder does the anger keep you safe somehow? I know for me that feeling angry can keep me safe from feeling hurt (if I’m angry with myself I am not allowed to feel hurt).

    • lostinamaze says:

      Your question jogged my memory in regards to what my T had said to me a while back. She told me that the roots of my anger were hurt and pain. Although I haven’t been able to acknowledge this yet, your comment has given me some further food for thought.

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