I had my therapy session tonight. I’m not sure what to think about it. I did step out my box and I feel uncomfortable about it now. I went into the session all hyped up with anxiety. It seems these recent past weeks I am having a hard time controlling my anxiety when I walk into the therapy session. I think things are starting to get scarier with the material we are now discussing.
When I sat down in her office I could not sit still. We talked for a few minutes until she told me to wait and don’t go anywhere as she left the room. She wanted to go get the sandbox. I was so jumpy she probably thought I was going to bolt. She told me that she wanted me to play in the sand while we discussed my homework. Apparently she didn’t want to talk about my rage while I was so hyped. I really appreciated her sensitivity towards me about this issue.
This is where the session starts to get interesting. I told her that I had a really hard time doing the homework. that I obsessed about the questions all week. I had to answer them on the SUDS scale at number two. I could easily answer the questions at a nine but at a two was nearly impossible. After much thought I finally came up with some answers.
This is where the session gets even more interesting. She asked me if the questions caused rage within me. I just kind of looked at her. She asked again and I had to say yes without looking her in the eye of course. And being the counsellor that she is we get to explore this further. She asked why and I said that having this hard of a time with my homework made me feel like I am an idiot and that I just don’t get this stuff. Anyway we talked at length and finally came to the bottom of what I was feeling. I told her that I dislike questions that I can’t seem to answer.
This is where the session gets beyond interesting. We finally get to what the angry parts of me want to say. The anger that I have never been allowed to express, that I never allow myself to express. She wanted me to tell her how I felt. Not only that, she wanted me to look her in the eye while I was telling her. Whoa, I can’t possibly do that. It’s not even nice. And what if the T decides to dump me if I say what she wants me to say. Trust me she says. I’m not sure that I do but I will step out of my box. So I say without much conviction and not looking at her, “F**k you, I hate it when you give me questions I have a hard time answering”. She asked me to look her in the eye and say it again. “F**k you, I hate it when you give me questions I have a hard time answering”. And she looks me in the eye and says “I will keep challenging you and we will work at this slowly, at a pace that you feel comfortable with”. She also expressed how happy she was that I stepped out of my box.
When I said those words I half expected to be pasted to the wall. In the past that is what the consequence of expressed anger would have been. It was an intense session and I hope I can handle the fallout that will happen internally.