When I walked into her office there was clay on the table. My T knows I often don’t have the words to express myself. And there are times when I don’t even know what I am feeling. And it seems that non verbal ways of expression helps bridge that barrier for me.
But when I walk into the room and see whatever creative stuff she has laid out I get nervous. I don’t consider myself very creative or artistic. I can barely draw a stick man. I start worrying about the “what ifs”. What if I can’t do the exercise? What if I can’t think of anything to create? What if she notices how I suck at art? What if I just don’t get it? Can I say performance anxiety?
She tells me it’s not about my talent or lack there of.
I also worry about what the art could bring up for me. I try to keep my inner world very controlled. I have seen in my family what out of control can do. I get nervous about becoming uncontrolled because I don’t want to be like them. The truth is that emotions, especially anger, scare me, well actually terrify me. And like I said art bridges that barrier.
Last night we continued our work with anger. She wanted me to use the clay to make symbols having to do with the emotion of anger. I ended up making four symbols.
I made a stamp because this is what I do with anger, I keep stuffing it down. Trying to stamp it out, barely acknowledging it. Anger? What anger?
I made a square box with spikes all over it. This is to keep people out and me in. My anger is too scary for you to see. And yet there are spikes to keep you out. But I also don’t want to hurt you in my quest to keep you out. So why are there spikes and not just walls. Hmm…I will have to think about that one.
I also made a long rope with a noose at the end. The anger I experienced at the hands of others caused the death of my emotions. And I have continued to try to kill them(emotions) off. I think that my anger is one of the reasons that thoughts of death plague me. I have had these thoughts since I was about five years old.
The last symbol that I made was a round shape that was hollow inside. With all the things that seem to fill me up, I mostly feel hollow inside.
I’m not sure why but I actually said that I would like to revisit these symbols at another time so we saved and put them in a safe place she has created for my scary stuff in her office.