Therapy is not easy. Just when I think that it’s too hard it seems to get harder. If I felt that therapy wasn’t necessary I surely wouldn’t do it. I have felt disconnected since my last session. Kind of like I am living in a different time zone. I have had a hard time keeping track of time. I hate when that happens. As always my T checks in with how I am feeling before we start the session. So I tell her what I am experiencing. She then reminds me that I am disassociating. Oh yeah, for some reason I keep forgetting about that. Maybe I am so used to living with it, it doesn’t really cross my mind.
My T doesn’t really want to go ahead with the anger work until I can ground myself. She and I decide to work with my symbols from the previous session with the sand since it is fairly calming for me. I brought them out and put them in the sand and promptly buried them all. She asked me to pick one symbol I would like to work on. I chose the one that I thought would be the easiest. Tonight I was all about easy. Hmm….I think my head was in the sand.
I decided to talk about the ‘stamp’. I said once again it’s what I do with my anger and other emotions for that matter, stamp them down. It’s what my parents did to my emotions as well. I wasn’t allowed to express anger. I can hear their words in my head. “stop crying or I will give you something to cry about” “quit disrespecting your mother” when I tried to voice my feelings.
My T asked me in what situation I would feel anger and instead of stamping it down, express it. (OK what happened to easy) I had a hard time coming up with anything. It seems I have all this anger directed at nothing. Finally I came up with my boss and her lack of people skills. She usually creates trouble with people that I end up having to fix. So now my T wants to do some role-playing. She becomes my boss and I need to try to express my anger towards her. I have seen this done in group therapy but it is new to me in participating. I found it extremely hard but gave it a try anyway. I just can’t seem to break that anger barrier and just let go.
I start discussing this with my T. I questioned why I just can’t let go, why I can’t seem to get it, why can’t I get past this, etc. Apparently I am having a pity party and an “oh poor me” attitude and my T calls me on it. That’s one thing I like about her, she is not afraid to challenge me on certain dysfunctional patterns. She questions that maybe I’m not ready to move forward on the anger issue. That maybe I need to work on other things. She then starts saying my exact ‘pity party’ words back to me in a nice way. I have hardly looked her in the eye during the session but as she is speaking my words back to me all of a sudden something becomes clear as a bell.
I turn my head and look her in the eye and say:
I. am. afraid.
And then I think I see her smile on the inside.