Coming back to haunt me

One of the things I do in my line of work is look at photographs. Thousands of them.  We recently purchased a new computer at work.  It has a 24 inch wide-screen.  Great for looking at photos that have been digitized. Well most of the time that is true.  Except for the other day.  I was doing some research and needed to go through and view a pile of photos.  I was kind of bored and only half paying attention to what I was doing.

Then suddenly he was there, larger than life.  One of my perpetrators. In a happy, shiny, family photo.  At first I looked at the photo trying to process who I was looking at.  It caught me totally off guard.  When I finally realized what I was seeing I was immediately transported into the past.  Just that fast. My memories of him started flooding back.

This particular family was fairly entangled with my family.  The perp was a pastor of a church and a manager of a financial organization. A fine upstanding and respected member of the community.  It’s a long story with many twists but I’ll just stick to the short version. He abused me.  His son, who is my age, abused me and another son is the father of my brother.  Confused yet?   This particular abuse stopped when we moved a few miles away to a different area.  Still our paths would cross on occasion and when they did he would give me 5 or ten dollars.  To this day I’m not sure why he did that.  The pastor is dead now.

Almost as soon as the memories started flooding back I was able to cut the feelings off.  I’m not sure if that is a good thing but I was at work and still had a least half the day left to work.  The only trouble is I also felt my body and head shift into another space.  As I have said before I hate when that happens but I as yet don’t have any control over it.  I made it through the day but it is still troubling me.  I can’t seem to get that photo out of my head.

I have been thinking of printing it out and bringing it to a therapy session.  I am wondering if I can make use of it somehow in relation to the anger work that I am trying to do in therapy.

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6 Responses to Coming back to haunt me

  1. Just Be Real says:

    Dear one thank you for sharing such painful memories. I am sorry you were triggered. But, it could be a good thing. My suggestion is ‘yes’ bring this up in your next t. session. You have nothing to lose. I understand your struggles, as I too have been abused. ((((hugs to you))))

    • lostinamaze says:

      I find it hard sharing such stuff but I know that I need to acknowledge it in order to move on. Thanks for the hugs!

  2. WillSpirit says:

    How very difficult for you to come across that in the midst of an ordinary work day. I’m so sorry that you were confronted with the picture and even sorrier that you have such pain in your past. Best wishes.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It was a weird experience and now I am somewhat nervous that it will happen again although in truth it probably won’t. I am just in the process of acknowledging that pain. It is something I’m not happy with but at the same time I need to face the facts of my life. Thanks for stopping by Will.

  3. Harriet says:

    That does sound incredibly difficult, and it’s amazing that you were able to compartmentalize so well as to keep on with your day. This sounds like something that you could surely work on in therapy.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think that I learned that skill early on in my life. It sure comes in handy now when I need it. Although at times like that I am operating in a different head space.

      I think that I will bring the photo to my session. I’m not sure if I am ready to work on this particular issue just yet. But I figure if she has the photo I won’t back out and hopefully will address the issue when I’m ready.

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