One of the things I do in my line of work is look at photographs. Thousands of them. We recently purchased a new computer at work. It has a 24 inch wide-screen. Great for looking at photos that have been digitized. Well most of the time that is true. Except for the other day. I was doing some research and needed to go through and view a pile of photos. I was kind of bored and only half paying attention to what I was doing.
Then suddenly he was there, larger than life. One of my perpetrators. In a happy, shiny, family photo. At first I looked at the photo trying to process who I was looking at. It caught me totally off guard. When I finally realized what I was seeing I was immediately transported into the past. Just that fast. My memories of him started flooding back.
This particular family was fairly entangled with my family. The perp was a pastor of a church and a manager of a financial organization. A fine upstanding and respected member of the community. It’s a long story with many twists but I’ll just stick to the short version. He abused me. His son, who is my age, abused me and another son is the father of my brother. Confused yet? This particular abuse stopped when we moved a few miles away to a different area. Still our paths would cross on occasion and when they did he would give me 5 or ten dollars. To this day I’m not sure why he did that. The pastor is dead now.
Almost as soon as the memories started flooding back I was able to cut the feelings off. I’m not sure if that is a good thing but I was at work and still had a least half the day left to work. The only trouble is I also felt my body and head shift into another space. As I have said before I hate when that happens but I as yet don’t have any control over it. I made it through the day but it is still troubling me. I can’t seem to get that photo out of my head.
I have been thinking of printing it out and bringing it to a therapy session. I am wondering if I can make use of it somehow in relation to the anger work that I am trying to do in therapy.