Just shoot me

I walked into her room and was surprised by what I saw.  I just stood there looking all around me. Taped to the walls, furniture and window were different colored squares of construction paper with words written on them.  The words were things I do or could do to help ground me, keep me safe, dispel the excess energy that is being created by the work we are doing.  Most of these words were of things that I enjoy doing such as hiking, kayaking, poetry, looking at the stars.  Some other words were: talking to my doctor, phoning the crisis line, looking at my anxiety thermometer, safe place, grounding exercises.

This past week I emailed my T.  This is something I have done on only two other occasions.  I hate to bother her and she doesn’t do email.  This email was only 3 or 4 very short sentences.  Two of the sentences that I remember were “I feel very uncontained” and “just effing shoot me”.  I should have known that this was going to be something we would be talking about.  I rarely to never talk about my suicidal thoughts but I have felt bad lately.  I have a feeling she knows it’s bad when I make a statement like that even if it is in a roundabout way.

My T also wants to talk to my GP and pdoc.  I’m not sure exactly about what, she did tell me but I can’t remember.  I agreed to it and had to sign the proper release forms.  I do know that if she writes to them she will let me read the letters first.  I just asked that she not fax my GP as I know a number of people who work at the clinic.  Fortunately my T goes every Monday to this clinic so she said that she will hand deliver the letter.  I really appreciate her doing that because it freaks me out that people in a small town will find out this stuff about me.

She also told me that I could phone her when I am feeling bad.  I don’t do phones calls very well especially when it comes to this stuff.  I told her that I didn’t want to bother her.  I have my set time with her and I don’t think I can step out of that box. In my mind that’s my appointed time for help.  Otherwise I am on my own.  I am also afraid of overstepping boundaries and becoming too dependent. My T acknowledged that it would be like pulling teeth to get me to phone her when I really need to talk.  But she said that she would rather me phone her than spend the week going through hell until our next session.

We didn’t work on the anger this week. I guess she wanted to make sure I was safe and take a break from the crappy hard stuff.

Just before I left she told me that she would phone me on Friday to see how I am doing.  That very much surprised me.  I agreed and gave her a time that I would be able to talk. I know this is something she wouldn’t do very often with me because she knows my boundary issues but it gets me thinking that maybe she does care.

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7 Responses to Just shoot me

  1. Wow, she seems really cool. Glad she is taking care of you. xx

    • lostinamaze says:

      She really surprised me with what she had set up. I am glad that she finds other ways of communicating with me that reinforces what she is trying to convey to me.

  2. Just Be Real says:

    That is one concerned t. you have. You are blessed. Dear one take your time, walk through the process. I am learning I cannot rush it. ((((lostinamaze))))

    • lostinamaze says:

      My t is saying the same thing to me. I just wish this could be done. It’s a hard go but I know that it will be worth it.

  3. Just Be Real says:

    Will be here with you as you head on through this particular part of your healing. ((((lostinamaze))))

    I also have this blog: GOD WHISPERS IN THE WIND

  4. Pingback: Wrapped Up « lost inamaze

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