Part angry, part thankful

Therapy kind of sucked tonight.  I knew that my t had talked to my physician.   I knew this because she phoned me last Friday to see how I was doing and to tell me she had talked to the doctor.  We also talked about what I could do to lessen the intensity of my thought processes.  It was kind of weird to talk to my t outside of the office setting but I appreciated her concern.  I don’t experience that too often in my life.

So of course the session started off with the standard question of ‘how are you doing’ and of course I give the standard answer ‘ I’m fine’.  Apparently I answered a little passive aggressively.  She just looked at me and then changed tactics.  The one thing I dislike about therapy is that there are some topics I really don’t like talking about.

One of them is suicide.  It doesn’t feel like a safe topic to me.  She wanted to know where I was at with that. What the intensity of my thoughts were. And apparently this was one of the things discussed between her and my physician.  Since I wasn’t able to avoid the discussion I decided to jump right in with some questions of my own.  I told my t that I didn’t know how much was safe to tell to her before I put myself at risk.  I don’t want to be hospitalized.  The thing is that I have lived with suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember.  Sometimes they are stronger and more insistent than at other times but I have always been able to manage them.  I asked her if I would be putting myself at risk by being honest with her.  Then she told me that the consensus between her and my doctor is that it would do more harm than good by hospitalizing me.  She also qualified that with something like, it was her job to keep me safe.  I told her that I understood and that I could go with that.  I feel more confident now that my t won’t unnecessarily react to my distress.

This conversation took some time and when we were done I asked if we were going to work on the rage issue.  We haven’t worked on it for a few weeks now.  Much to my surprise she said no.  I asked why not and she replied with something to the effect of she didn’t feel that I was in a safe enough place to continue just yet, that I was still too stirred up.  I told her that I could handle it but she refused to budge.  Sometimes she must know me better than what I think she does.  You see, one of my problems is aggression towards myself.  I tend to play this out by taking unnecessary risks and let the chips fall where they may.  Sometimes in therapy I want to push the envelope no matter what the harm to me.  But my t refuses to play the game.

A part of me is angry that she won’t play the game and a part of me is thankful that she won’t play the game and a part of me is amazed that she even recognizes the game because sometimes I don’t.

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