Email to therapist

I sent an email to my t Saturday evening.  It was the second one in a week and a half.  My t typically doesn’t do email except for appointment changes or if I would like her to phone me.   In the almost two years that I have seen her I think that I have only emailed her twice before.  I don’t like to ask her for help outside of my set therapy time.  I feel guilty for bothering her.  We have talked about this before and she has told me that I can contact her through email outside of my set appointment and that it wouldn’t be bothering her. 

She has made it clear that she doesn’t do counselling through the email but will phone me instead at a time that is works for me.

Since I have started looking at things more in-depth it has been rougher internally.  Usually I am a trooper about it, suck it up and carry on.  But I wonder if I really move forward when I do this?  So as much as it went against my better judgment I decided to let her know, in a few short sentences, how badly I was feeling.  It was hard enough doing this the first time but the second round of emailing felt much worse.

Everything in me wanted to hit the delete button and not the send button.  In fact I did delete the message several times only to recompose it and finally send it.

Sending this email seemed to bring up a number of things for me.  The more I think about it I’m wondering if I hear the voices of my past speaking to me.  My parent’s voices.  I wasn’t allowed to express how I felt as a child.  I was always told to go fight my own battles.  Or “I don’t want to hear it” “stop crying or I will give you something to cry about” ” stop disrespecting your mother”  “I don’t want to see you” “kids were meant to be seen and not heard” “go outside and don’t came back in until I call you”, etc, etc,.  And that was just what was said to us.  Speaking could get us kids into a whole heap of trouble.

It didn’t take me long as a very young child to keep everything tight within myself and emotion off my face. It was much safer that way.  So when I sent that email I wasn’t feeling safe at all.  And I still have a strong sense of doom. I feel like I am about to be rejected.  That I did something dreadfully wrong.  Now all I can think is “what were you thinking” “this will backfire on you”.  I actually feel quite sick about it.  I think I went against a defensive part within me.

I hope it will be OK.

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8 Responses to Email to therapist

  1. I don’t have any words today, but I am thinking of you. Love and strength,

    • lostinamaze says:

      Words aren’t neccessary. It just helps to know that you are thinking of me. I am thinking of you as well.

  2. WillSpirit says:

    That was very courageous of you. Congratulations. My last therapist and I did a lot of work via email. I would tell him my fears, and he would help me face them. He never talked me out of them, or even tried, but just having his support helped. We needed to communicate via email because I kept leaving town, but even when I was in town he was good about answering electronically when I needed him. Some therapists, of course, work only online and by phone. Maybe there are things we can say more easily through the filter of an electronic device. If so, then they have a valuable role in this giant struggle of recovery.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I can usually express myself easier in writing and when I have time to think about it. I can communicate with my therapist by email but she won’t do any ‘counselling’ with it. She has told me that it is too easy to misunderstand what is actually being said without having word inflection.

      But she does always answer promptly with some sort of advice. I find it hard to take advantage of the supports that are available to me. Hopefully this is a small step towards that. It is a giant struggle.

  3. Harriet says:

    I couldn’t express how I felt as a child either. I was always told, “You’re fine.” Which is why I always answer the question “How are you?” with “I’m fine.”

    I emailed my t once when I needed help and it didn’t work out very well, but that was because I don’t even know how to ask for help. Maybe I should learn how to do that.

    Has she answered yet?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I don’t really know how to ask for help either but I really do want some help as hard as it is to ask.

      My email to her was probably kind of weird because I hate to ask for help. It was like three short sentences with three or four words. She did answer Monday morning.

  4. freelyfloating says:

    I know exactly how you feel as far as feeling like asking for help will backfire. Try and be proud of yourself for sending the email. I know I’d never be able to do that, because I’m too scared of what will happen. So, major kudos for hitting the send button.

    And, as Harriet asked earlier, have you heard anything back from her yet?

    Thinking about you – ff

    • lostinamaze says:

      I was really nervous about doing it, so much so that it made me feel sick. I am still uptight about it and will be until I see her in person on
      Thursday and she how she is acting towards me and what she has to say. I’m pretty sure it was an weird email.

      She did email me back but what she wrote I wasn’t actually expecting (nothing bad). But then again I wasn’t sure what to expect.

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