I sent an email to my t Saturday evening. It was the second one in a week and a half. My t typically doesn’t do email except for appointment changes or if I would like her to phone me. In the almost two years that I have seen her I think that I have only emailed her twice before. I don’t like to ask her for help outside of my set therapy time. I feel guilty for bothering her. We have talked about this before and she has told me that I can contact her through email outside of my set appointment and that it wouldn’t be bothering her.
She has made it clear that she doesn’t do counselling through the email but will phone me instead at a time that is works for me.
Since I have started looking at things more in-depth it has been rougher internally. Usually I am a trooper about it, suck it up and carry on. But I wonder if I really move forward when I do this? So as much as it went against my better judgment I decided to let her know, in a few short sentences, how badly I was feeling. It was hard enough doing this the first time but the second round of emailing felt much worse.
Everything in me wanted to hit the delete button and not the send button. In fact I did delete the message several times only to recompose it and finally send it.
Sending this email seemed to bring up a number of things for me. The more I think about it I’m wondering if I hear the voices of my past speaking to me. My parent’s voices. I wasn’t allowed to express how I felt as a child. I was always told to go fight my own battles. Or “I don’t want to hear it” “stop crying or I will give you something to cry about” ” stop disrespecting your mother” “I don’t want to see you” “kids were meant to be seen and not heard” “go outside and don’t came back in until I call you”, etc, etc,. And that was just what was said to us. Speaking could get us kids into a whole heap of trouble.
It didn’t take me long as a very young child to keep everything tight within myself and emotion off my face. It was much safer that way. So when I sent that email I wasn’t feeling safe at all. And I still have a strong sense of doom. I feel like I am about to be rejected. That I did something dreadfully wrong. Now all I can think is “what were you thinking” “this will backfire on you”. I actually feel quite sick about it. I think I went against a defensive part within me.
I hope it will be OK.