My pdoc’s appointment was on Thursday this week so I changed my therapy appointment to the same day. It is a fair distance to travel so I wanted to do them both on the same day. I got up Thursday morning, after sleeping poorly due to the anxiety I experience before an appointment let alone two of them in the same day, with the feeling that my therapy appointment was going to be cancelled. I hadn’t heard anything by noon time so I thought I must have been mistaken with how I was feeling. Wrong. About one thirty I received a phone call from the counsellor supervisor informing me that my T went home sick. Oh great. The supervisor asked me if I was OK. Of course I said I was doing fine but in my head I was saying quite another thing.
This is the thing that just bugs me to no end. I seem to have all these conflicting feelings about the cancelled appointment. I feel bad that my T is sick, I don’t wish that for anyone. At the same time I feel really pissed that the appointment was cancelled. But really that isn’t her fault. That makes me feel bad. I also feel pissed that I even feel this way.
Isn’t this supposed to be a business relationship? I pay her, I talk, she listens and helps me to understand myself or some such thing. So why doesn’t it feel that way. And why can’t I keep it like a business relationship. Have I developed some sort of strong attachment to her? I must admit she is in my thoughts way more than I like anyone to be. We certainly don’t have a reciprocating friendship. I highly doubt that she thinks of me all that much if at all outside of the room. I say this because I am only one of many clients and this is her job.
Needless to say the cancellation threw me into a tailspin. I still had to travel to the city to see my pdoc. It wasn’t a very productive appointment with all the turmoil inside. But I didn’t really care yesterday.
Today I am still pissed. At her and at me for feeling this way. I am having a hard time sorting through and understanding what is going on inside of me.