Cancelled

My pdoc’s appointment was on Thursday this week so I changed my therapy appointment to the same day. It is a fair distance to travel so I wanted to do them both on the same day.  I got up Thursday morning, after sleeping poorly due to the anxiety I experience before an appointment let alone two of them in the same day, with the feeling that my therapy appointment was going to be cancelled.  I hadn’t heard anything by noon time so I thought I must have been mistaken with how I was feeling.  Wrong.  About one thirty I received a phone call from the counsellor supervisor informing me that my T went home sick.  Oh great.  The supervisor asked me if I was OK.  Of course I said I was doing fine but in my head I was saying quite another thing.

This is the thing that just bugs me to no end.  I seem to have all these conflicting feelings about the cancelled appointment.  I feel bad that my T is sick, I don’t wish that for anyone.  At the same time I feel really pissed that the appointment was cancelled. But really that isn’t her fault. That makes me feel bad.  I also feel pissed that I even feel this way.

Isn’t this supposed to be a business relationship?  I pay her, I talk, she listens and helps me to understand myself or some such thing.  So why doesn’t it feel that way. And why can’t I keep it like a business relationship.  Have I developed some sort of strong attachment to her?  I must admit she is in my thoughts way more than I like anyone to be.  We certainly don’t have a reciprocating friendship.  I highly doubt that she thinks of me all that much if at all outside of the room.   I say this because I am only one of many clients and this is her job.

Needless to say the cancellation threw me into a tailspin. I still had to travel to the city to see my pdoc.  It wasn’t a very productive appointment with all the turmoil inside.  But I didn’t really care yesterday.

Today I am still pissed. At her and at me for feeling this way.  I am having a hard time sorting through and understanding what is going on inside of me.

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6 Responses to Cancelled

  1. freelyfloating says:

    I know this is much easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself about feeling angry about the cancellation. I would be upset, too, and I would also be upset at myself for being upset. It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it? ;] I’m sure the cancellation is even more of a blow, considering you were already anxious about the email…that’s a tough break.

    I also completely understand your frustration regarding your attachment to your T. When I was still in individual, it made me so anxious to feel like I -needed- to talk to my T and that I felt so dependent upon her. For me, it’s just that it felt like the first time someone was being truly genuine with me (though I’m still not completely convinced of it, but that’s one of my issues anyway). The dependency I felt was scary, because it made me feel so vulnerable.

    Take care – I’ll be thinking of you!

    • lostinamaze says:

      You’re right, it is probably worse than normal because of the email. I also think you are right about the attachment, this is the first time in my life I have talked to someone about myself in any depth. I have never felt dependent on someone before so this is all new to me and like you say scary!

  2. Harriet says:

    I think it also feels like a let down and a huge frustration because we have to do so much mental preparation to get ready for a session. For those of us with therapy anxiety it’s not like just any other appointment that we have during the day, and after all of the anxiety and strategies that we use to prepare it just stinks when we get canceled.

    • lostinamaze says:

      That is so true. I don’t feel this way for any of my other appointments. I like your use of the word strategies because I certainly do that when preparing for a session even down to what I will wear. Weird I know.

      Also, in me anyway, not only do I have the anxiety(energy) of the upcoming appointment to deal with, I now have the anxiety of it being cancelled on top of it. It is really hard not to let all that energy overwhelm me. I don’t always succeed.

  3. Oh, I am so sorry for the turmoil that you are going through. Cancelling an appointment used to throw me in a tail spin (his going on vacation still does). I’d have the same mixed feelings and thoughts as you are. Stay with them some, write a letter to your therapist without censoring or making it perfect. Then, it is important that you discuss your feelings about this with your therapist because it will give you more insight into yourself and how you process things. If I decided to read it, I would then have something to keep me focused on or use as an outline…rather than “face to face.” Even after almost 19 years with the same therapist, I get that therapy anxiety sometimes especially if I had written an email. (We didn’t have email when I started,so I wrote him letters or left messages on the answering machine)…sorry to ramble so.

    (((hugs)))
    CC

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think writing it out is a good idea. All my feelings and thoughts are stuck inside me and are fermenting away. The turmoil is just growing. I’m not sure if I can talk to my t about it. I feel bad about how I feel and for some reason feel there may be repercussions if I told how I feel.

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