Finally a session

Finally the long-awaited appointment.  With my t being sick and her rearranging this weeks session to later in the week, it feels like its been forever since my last appointment.

Even though it’s only two and a half weeks since I last seen my t the timing wasn’t very good.  I haven’t seen or talked to her since I sent the last email.

And of course with my not so helpful imagination all kinds of scenarios started playing through my mind.  It was like, “there you go, you just ruined everything now” “see I told you so, you’re being dumped” “she’s preparing you for her terminating you by ignoring you for a few weeks”.  And on and on it goes when really all that has happened is that she was sick. And she is still fighting a cold.

But for some reason I just needed to see that with my own two eyes.  I still must not trust her enough not to leave me high and dry.  I don’t know if I can get over that.  I have given it some thought about why that is.  So far the only thing I can think of is that Wayne (father) used to always say to me “I going to town, I will bring you back ‘whatever’” and then we would not see him again for many months.  Even though it was a huge relief when he disappeared it must have affected me somehow.  I’m not sure why it would affect me since I was so terrified of him. Oh and on occasion in my teenaged years my mother would disappear as well but only for a few days at a time.

So maybe I’m thinking my t will suddenly disappear on me.  I just wish my mind wouldn’t lead me down into this type of thinking.  It makes it all so complicated.  I also think that’s one of reason’s I don’t like to feel like I am dependent on someone. They just might disappear.

I did ask my t about the email and she said she was just fine about it.  It feels like a whole lot of drama about nothing.  sheesh…

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7 Responses to Finally a session

  1. I eventually learned to really trust that my therapist would not leave me about the fifteen year. (I have lots of issues. LOL) And, even now at the 9th year, I have difficulty when he goes on vacation or takes a day off…I’m afraid he won’t come back. This is really great stuff to discuss with your therapist. Your brain can change, but you need new experiences. I know that it is painful and your thinking and emotions get all messed up…mine too.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Most days I wish that I could turn my brain off because of my thoughts. I’m not sure if I could discuss this with my therapist,it makes me nervous thinking about it. Although deep down I know that it would help me out a lot if I did. It probably would help me to learn to trust her more fully.

  2. Freely Floating says:

    I’m glad you finally got some relief…I know the “wait” for a session can sometimes be excruciating. And don’t worry about the email. It’s a cliche, but hindsight is always 20/20, so it’s natural that the email would seem like a bunch of drama now. If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn’t have even had the guts to ask my T about the email. I’d just cringe about it every time I thought about it and not touch the subject with a 10 foot pole. 😛

    • lostinamaze says:

      Waiting for this particular session seemed like eternity. There was a lot of out of control thinking going on.

      I asked her how she felt about the email at the tail end of the session in a off hand way. Being the T that she is I’m sure she knew it wasn’t casual but at least she acted casual about it and didn’t make a big deal out of it.

  3. Harriet says:

    I so know the feeling of emails being so huge and dramatic to me and like nothing to my T. Why is that? I hate it.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m thinking it’s because I’m one of many clients in her life and the opposite is true for me, she is the only therapist in my life. I hate it too.

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