What Just Happened?

All day Tuesday I waited for the phone to ring telling me that my appointment was cancelled.  That didn’t happen so off I went.  I was more anxious than usual on my trip into the city.  I had no idea what we were going to talk about except maybe the EMDR. 

As soon as I walked into the room I kind of knew there was something wrong with me. My T asked me how I was and of course I said I was fine.  She asked me if I thought about doing the EMDR and I said “sure we could try it” without any further discussion on my part.  This is totally out of character for me because I always want to know the ins and outs of how things work before I try anything.

Apparently I was giving one word answers to all her questions and not making any eye contact whatsoever.  She than asked me what was wrong and I just shrugged my shoulders.  She said that we wouldn’t do the EMDR while I was in this state because it wouldn’t work.

To be honest I really didn’t know what was going on with me.  All I knew was I had this bigger than normal wall up and I was trying to keep this distance between her and I.

The one thing I appreciate about my T is her straight forwardness towards me.  But I have to say I wasn’t appreciating it this time.  I just wanted to be left alone.  I felt like I had some sort of pressure building within me and it was taking everything within me to control it.

My T was gently persistent in her questioning.  All of a sudden something totally foreign happened to me.  I could feel myself start to lose control.  All I could think of, very loudly, was don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, oh no I’m going to cry, don’t cry.  It was all happening very fast.  Than just as I started to actually lose control, a weird noise came out of my mouth, I stood up and walked out of the room, slammed the door behind me and walked down two short halls past the reception and out the door.  Once I reached the outdoors the tears started flowing.  I just stood there crying. I must have been out there for about ten minutes trying to get some control over myself.  I also had to decide whether I was going back to her office or not.  In the end I decided to go back.  I worried about going past the receptionist and her seeing me in a mess but thankfully she didn’t even look up.

When I got back to her office her door was open and she was sitting there waiting patiently for me.  I apologized to her and sat back down.  At this point there certainly was no point in hiding what was going on, in reality I couldn’t anyway.  Even though I still wasn’t making eye contact with her I let her try to help me understand what was happening to me.   I must admit I sat mostly in silence with a few tears falling not able to talk, not able to look at her.  My T just sat there in silence with me until finally I was able to make some eye contact again and was ready to try to figure out what was going on.  I ended up telling her about the weekend and after a lot of prodding from her and probably most importantly, I was able to let her know how I felt about the cancelled sessions and how I felt bad about the way I felt.  If that makes any sense.  We spent the rest of the session talking about my black and white thinking, how I like predictability, how I need control, etc. My T said that she doesn’t usually tell people how they are feeling but she told me that I had a wall of anger up.  In retrospect that is true.  I don’t know why I can’t recognize anger in myself.

I cried. I never cry, not even when I am alone. I don’t remember the last time I cried. I do remember when I vowed I would never cry again. I not only cried but I cried in front of another person.  I felt so ridiculous and ashamed.

On the other hand my T was happy.  She told me that she was very glad that I came back and that I had done hard work this session.  She told me she was doing a dance of joy inside.

Me?  I’m kind of shell-shocked about the whole thing.

What just happened?

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10 Responses to What Just Happened?

  1. Harriet says:

    Wow. I can understand why you are shell shocked. I think I would have done the same thing if I began to cry in my t’s office – got up and walked out. But I’m so glad you went back! Good for you. Are you feeling better now?

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you, it took a lot of effort to go back in.

      That’s a really good question. I”m not sure how I’m feeling. I have given it some thought and I think that right now I am just numb which is probably a good thing.

  2. Goodness! Very hard work, but well done. Sounds like those emotions finally got out a bit. Thinking of you, xx

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think it was one of the hardest things that has happened in therapy. That seemed like a lot of emotion to handle all at once even though in reality it probably wasn’t much at all. It seemed so foreign. Thank you for your thoughts.

  3. Just Be Real says:

    I am so very encouraged by your post here. I could have written it myself. You did very good work! I have yet to cry in front of my t. I can do it alone, but my shame for now is keeping me back. Proud of you!

    • lostinamaze says:

      It’s interesting because shame was one of the many factors that has kept me from crying but in this instance nothing was going to stop it. It happened without warning.

      I am kind of dreading to see her again. I know on the other side of the numbness is mortification and shame of what happened and anger that I let it happen. But I also know deep, deep down this was a good thing (I hope).

  4. How brave of you to go back in to session – and good of your T to give you such feedback. I’m not sure I have visited your blog before – I will add it to my list – looks like we have a lot in common – including lack of crying.

    Sounds like your T does EMDR? That would be an advantage – mine does not so I would have to go to someone else for that piece. If I try it. I haven’t read far into the book yet – the first part is all about the effects of CSA – I don’t need to be reminded of that right now.

    Take care!

    • lostinamaze says:

      My T does do the EMDR. I think it is an advantage as well, mainly for the reason that she already knows me and what I can or cannot handle. I would say that most of the pre-work for EMDR is done already.

      And I agree, I don’t need to be reminded of something I am trying to ignore or live anyway.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Take care.

  5. Freely Floating says:

    Wow, that sounds so intense. Huge kudos for going back in. I know that the one time I even got a smidgen close to crying, I had a small panic attack, so I can’t even imagine how you felt. I will be thinking of you…I hope your next session goes well. I will be here to read and support! :]

    • lostinamaze says:

      I did have a bit of an anxiety attack, my heart was pounding out of my chest, but I barely noticed because I was so mortified and overwhelmed at what happened. I’m kind of dreading my next session. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it.

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