All day Tuesday I waited for the phone to ring telling me that my appointment was cancelled. That didn’t happen so off I went. I was more anxious than usual on my trip into the city. I had no idea what we were going to talk about except maybe the EMDR.
As soon as I walked into the room I kind of knew there was something wrong with me. My T asked me how I was and of course I said I was fine. She asked me if I thought about doing the EMDR and I said “sure we could try it” without any further discussion on my part. This is totally out of character for me because I always want to know the ins and outs of how things work before I try anything.
Apparently I was giving one word answers to all her questions and not making any eye contact whatsoever. She than asked me what was wrong and I just shrugged my shoulders. She said that we wouldn’t do the EMDR while I was in this state because it wouldn’t work.
To be honest I really didn’t know what was going on with me. All I knew was I had this bigger than normal wall up and I was trying to keep this distance between her and I.
The one thing I appreciate about my T is her straight forwardness towards me. But I have to say I wasn’t appreciating it this time. I just wanted to be left alone. I felt like I had some sort of pressure building within me and it was taking everything within me to control it.
My T was gently persistent in her questioning. All of a sudden something totally foreign happened to me. I could feel myself start to lose control. All I could think of, very loudly, was don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, oh no I’m going to cry, don’t cry. It was all happening very fast. Than just as I started to actually lose control, a weird noise came out of my mouth, I stood up and walked out of the room, slammed the door behind me and walked down two short halls past the reception and out the door. Once I reached the outdoors the tears started flowing. I just stood there crying. I must have been out there for about ten minutes trying to get some control over myself. I also had to decide whether I was going back to her office or not. In the end I decided to go back. I worried about going past the receptionist and her seeing me in a mess but thankfully she didn’t even look up.
When I got back to her office her door was open and she was sitting there waiting patiently for me. I apologized to her and sat back down. At this point there certainly was no point in hiding what was going on, in reality I couldn’t anyway. Even though I still wasn’t making eye contact with her I let her try to help me understand what was happening to me. I must admit I sat mostly in silence with a few tears falling not able to talk, not able to look at her. My T just sat there in silence with me until finally I was able to make some eye contact again and was ready to try to figure out what was going on. I ended up telling her about the weekend and after a lot of prodding from her and probably most importantly, I was able to let her know how I felt about the cancelled sessions and how I felt bad about the way I felt. If that makes any sense. We spent the rest of the session talking about my black and white thinking, how I like predictability, how I need control, etc. My T said that she doesn’t usually tell people how they are feeling but she told me that I had a wall of anger up. In retrospect that is true. I don’t know why I can’t recognize anger in myself.
I cried. I never cry, not even when I am alone. I don’t remember the last time I cried. I do remember when I vowed I would never cry again. I not only cried but I cried in front of another person. I felt so ridiculous and ashamed.
On the other hand my T was happy. She told me that she was very glad that I came back and that I had done hard work this session. She told me she was doing a dance of joy inside.
Me? I’m kind of shell-shocked about the whole thing.
What just happened?