Suspended Animation

I was kind of dreading this appointment after the scene of my last appointment.  I have been like I’ve been in suspended animation ever since my outburst.  If the truth be told I’m not willing or ready to examine the whys of it just yet.  I think my T sensed that I really didn’t want to go there. When she asked how I was doing since the last session and I said fine, she didn’t pursue it any further.  Much to my relief.  I guess she knows me enough by now that when I am ready to discuss it, it will come up in some form or another, usually in a roundabout way.

Needless to say this session was the opposite of the last.  I had mentioned a while back that I wished that I could get the parts of me to co-exist instead of the constant war within that tends to spill without.  My T wanted to know if I still wanted to work on the anger or leave for now and work on the parts and my acceptance of them.  I responded with I’m not sure what to do.  She then asked me what felt more ‘right’.  The trouble is I wasn’t feeling.  So I asked her what she thought which is probably one of the worst questions to ask my T.  I always get the answer, “It’s not what I want it’s what you want”.  Ha, I love how my T likes to turn it back to me.  I just threw it back to her and basically asked her for some guidance on this.

After some discussion I decided to do the EMDR for about three sessions on the anger and then we would work on the part stuff.  The part stuff does make me nervous though as I’m not sure of what will be stirred up.  I think it’s best to leave the worry to when I get there or I just might avoid it altogether.

So the bulk of last night was doing the EMDR.  It was an interesting experience.  This first time was just practice, me getting the feel of it.  My T uses alternating vibrating pulsars.   I hold one in each hand.  It took a bit to get used to the sensation. The first few times she had me imagine my safe place as she turned the pulsars on.  You did this a few times each time being a little longer.  I was having a hard time concentrating but I guess that’s why I do the practice first.  Then she had me think of something mildly annoying. Well that was kind hard.  I had a hard time thinking of what is mildly annoying to me as opposed to hugely annoying.   She had me think of this and then when she turned on the pulsars I was to think of my safe place.  I than had to do this with a moderately annoying occurrence in my life.  Anyways we spent the session doing stuff like this. At the end I asked her a pile of questions about it.  The thing that struck me was that I felt non – threatened by it.  This is fairly unusual for me because doing things that are relatively unknown to me or that are out of my box cause me great anxiety and fear.  But I decided that this may help but even if it doesn’t it probably can’t harm me. And that is what is most important to me. The harm part that is.

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8 Responses to Suspended Animation

  1. Just Be Real says:

    LIAM, thanks for sharing what you experience was with EMDR. Will the next two sessions be somewhat the same with the pulsar? Or is your t. not telling you ahead of time what to expect?

    Always the unknown is frightening. I hear you, and you are not alone.

    My t. always reminds me once I go through a particular pain, I really do not have to revisit it again. After all, us survivors, went through the ordeal of our pain the first time around and we survived.

    Thanks for sharing dear. Pray you will see a breakthrough soon.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think it will be similar to what we practiced. Only we will be targeting anger. I do find it hard to come up with emotions that are rated on a scale such as slightly angry up to very angry. My t has to help me out quite bit with that. I just hope I can do it.

  2. Harriet says:

    Wow, it sounds so interesting, and very promising. Did you have trouble coming up with a safe place? That’s always been a problem for me, I can think of something wrong with every place I imagine.

    • lostinamaze says:

      My t and I have been working on a safe place for a while now. One session she asked me to tell what a safe place would be for me and she wrote it down and now we practice it at the end of almost every session. I have found as I have gotten better at it, it helps ground me particularly after a hard session. I just have to be really careful and not use as a way to dissociate. But it does happen.

      I base my safe place on a place where I have always felt a measure of comfort even as a child. For me that is nature in especially the forest. Anyway this has got me thinking. Maybe i will write a post about it.

  3. Thanks so much for sharing this – as you know, this is something I am considering. Worried though because my T doesn’t do it, so I would have to see someone else. Hmm – unless I can convince her to do the training……

    Your T sounds like mine re “It’s not about what I want – it’s about you”. Drives me up the wall. So to speak.

    • lostinamaze says:

      That would be great if she would do the training. I’m not sure if I would have done it if I had to see someone else. Maybe if my T was there with me…

      Yes, I can understand what they are trying to do, but some guidance is nice from time to time. Sometimes I’m not sure what would be most helpful to talk about. But in writing this I can hear my T’s voice in my head saying “What do you think would be most helpful to talk about?” 🙂

  4. I’m pretty sure she will not do the training – I’m not sure what is involved. I am about half through the book EMDR in childhood sexual abuse. It sounds like it might be helpful. I am such a non-believer in woo woo things though – I wonder if I would have a difficult time with it.

    Thanks again for sharing the experience.


    • lostinamaze says:

      I am always skeptical about such things myself but I did have a chat with my family doc about it. She didn’t really know too much about it but she thought it would be worth a try. I was sitting on the fence about it and that was what gave me the push to try it out.

      Interestingly even though I thought that I would have a hard time with it because of my skepticism, I didn’t. I’m not sure why.

      I have another session tomorrow evening. Time will tell if it works.

      I am still interested in what you thought of the book when you finish reading it.

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