I was kind of dreading this appointment after the scene of my last appointment. I have been like I’ve been in suspended animation ever since my outburst. If the truth be told I’m not willing or ready to examine the whys of it just yet. I think my T sensed that I really didn’t want to go there. When she asked how I was doing since the last session and I said fine, she didn’t pursue it any further. Much to my relief. I guess she knows me enough by now that when I am ready to discuss it, it will come up in some form or another, usually in a roundabout way.
Needless to say this session was the opposite of the last. I had mentioned a while back that I wished that I could get the parts of me to co-exist instead of the constant war within that tends to spill without. My T wanted to know if I still wanted to work on the anger or leave for now and work on the parts and my acceptance of them. I responded with I’m not sure what to do. She then asked me what felt more ‘right’. The trouble is I wasn’t feeling. So I asked her what she thought which is probably one of the worst questions to ask my T. I always get the answer, “It’s not what I want it’s what you want”. Ha, I love how my T likes to turn it back to me. I just threw it back to her and basically asked her for some guidance on this.
After some discussion I decided to do the EMDR for about three sessions on the anger and then we would work on the part stuff. The part stuff does make me nervous though as I’m not sure of what will be stirred up. I think it’s best to leave the worry to when I get there or I just might avoid it altogether.
So the bulk of last night was doing the EMDR. It was an interesting experience. This first time was just practice, me getting the feel of it. My T uses alternating vibrating pulsars. I hold one in each hand. It took a bit to get used to the sensation. The first few times she had me imagine my safe place as she turned the pulsars on. You did this a few times each time being a little longer. I was having a hard time concentrating but I guess that’s why I do the practice first. Then she had me think of something mildly annoying. Well that was kind hard. I had a hard time thinking of what is mildly annoying to me as opposed to hugely annoying. She had me think of this and then when she turned on the pulsars I was to think of my safe place. I than had to do this with a moderately annoying occurrence in my life. Anyways we spent the session doing stuff like this. At the end I asked her a pile of questions about it. The thing that struck me was that I felt non – threatened by it. This is fairly unusual for me because doing things that are relatively unknown to me or that are out of my box cause me great anxiety and fear. But I decided that this may help but even if it doesn’t it probably can’t harm me. And that is what is most important to me. The harm part that is.