I had my last EMDR session last night and I have to say that I am glad. It was an interesting experience and I think worthwhile for me. I will have to wait and see if I react as intensely to the situations that we worked on. The reason I’m glad we are done for now is that I have a lot to process with some of the connections I made in the sessions. I need time to mull things over but then it can become a problem because I start living in my head. I have a hard time just letting things be and my mind starts feeling like a hamster wheel. It’s like a ‘someone please stop the music’ feeling.
I also found the sessions very tiring. I’m not too sure why. It might be the stuff that was happening was a bit overwhelming. It wasn’t scary stuff but it was new to me.
I asked my T about the frozen feeling that seems to happen to me. She said it is a trauma related reaction and part of my PTSD. Hmm…something else to think about.
Two things that bother me about what she said. First I have a problem with the word trauma. The word itself sounds so harsh to me and therefore cannot apply to me. In my mind nothing as harsh has happened to me as that word sounds. For some reason I just can’t wrap my head around the word ‘trauma’.
PTSD is another term I have a hard time with. I haven’t really looked into this a lot. I’m not sure that I want to. I really only know what my T and pdoc have told me and what I have heard on TV about soldiers and PTSD. It’s not that I don’t believe it but I have a hard time believing it for myself. I often ask my T and pdoc “are you sure I have this?” and the answer is always yes.
I think I can safely add another disorder to my list. ‘Bury my head in the sand’ disorder.