Last Session of EMDR

I had my last EMDR session last night and I have to say that I am glad.  It was an interesting experience and I think worthwhile for me.  I will have to wait and see if I react as intensely to the situations that we worked on.  The reason I’m glad we are done for now is that I have a lot to process with some of the connections I made in the sessions.  I need time to mull things over but then it can become a problem because I start living in my head.  I have a hard time just letting things be and my mind starts feeling like a hamster wheel.  It’s like a ‘someone please stop the music’ feeling.

I also found the sessions very tiring.  I’m not too sure why.  It might be the stuff that was happening was a bit overwhelming.  It wasn’t scary stuff but it was new to me.

I asked my T about the frozen feeling that seems to happen to me.  She said it is a trauma related reaction and part of my PTSD.  Hmm…something else to think about.

Two things that bother me about what she said.  First I have a problem with the word trauma.  The word itself sounds so harsh to me and therefore cannot apply to me.  In my mind nothing as harsh has happened to me as that word sounds.  For some reason I just can’t wrap my head around the word ‘trauma’.

PTSD is another term I have a hard time with.  I haven’t really looked into this a lot.  I’m not sure that I want to.  I really only know what my T and pdoc have told me and what I have heard on TV about soldiers and PTSD.  It’s not that I don’t believe it but I have a hard time believing it for myself.  I often ask my T and pdoc “are you sure I have this?” and the answer is always yes.

I think I can safely add another disorder to my list.  ‘Bury my head in the sand’ disorder.

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8 Responses to Last Session of EMDR

  1. “Head in the sand disorder” sounds like denial to me. Trauma and PTSD trigger me as well for the same reasons…I don’t want to allow myself to look at reality. It takes time…be patient with yourself…it gets better. Take care!!

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes, that would be denial with a capital”D”. A question I keep asking my t is “what if I am making it up”? I hope one day I will be able to own my past and move on. But you’re right I’m realizing that it will take time. I just need to keep reminding myself.

  2. Hi,

    Wanted to thank you for hearing me… and read this post… and oh my goodness I wish I could tell you just how much your words resonate.
    I have exactly the same experience with the word ‘trauma’.
    I HATE it…
    I remember when ‘the woman’ first used the word ‘trauma’ I was horrified. Just like you, nothing I have ever been through quite equates to my understanding of the word, ‘trauma’.

    It’s hard going. Sometimes burying your head in the sand is all you can do in oder to protect yourself.

    Take care.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I also remember when that word was first used in regards to me. I actually think I was in shock for awhile and I told my t that I really didn’t like that word. She didn’t use it for awhile but I noticed she has been using it more often in conversation lately. I’m learning that it really is a step by step process.

  3. JBR says:

    Interesting point you bring up with the word Trauma. I guess it goes with when we abbreviate the word therapy or therapist with the letter “t” For me it is a shame issue. I feel better with tehe abbreviation for some reason.

    Thanks for sharing dear one.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I wonder if I can abbreviate the word trauma. Maybe it would make it easier to swallow. I don’t think I have figured out why I strongly dislike that word although I think some ideas about it are starting to float around in my head. I hope that I will be able to figure some of it out in a concrete way.

  4. One long journey says:

    Thanks so much for posting about your sessions. I know what you mean about living in your head – I call it my internal chatter. If EMDR brought up things for you to work on now – then perhaps it was good. Will you continue now with regular sessions with your T?

    Interesting comments about your associations with PTSD and Trauma. I don’t have an issue with the words, per se, but I don’t really *feel* like I have experienced Trauma. Although I definitely have. Part of the detachment, non-feeling issues.

    Good luck to you,

    • lostinamaze says:

      My therapist said that it could take some time before I realize if has worked for me or not. But I definitely did make some connections regarding how some of my present reactions are related to certain things that I experienced during childhood.

      I am taking a break from the EMDR for now. I know my t will probably suggest doing it for the times she thinks it might be useful. All in all it was an interesting and somewhat overwhelming experience.

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