Blind Spot

This week is ending up to be a busy one with appointments.  About every 6 weeks I seem to end up with appointments three days in a row. On Monday I had an appointment with my family physician..  I really like her and she is easy to talk with

I happened to ask my doc if she received a letter from my pdoc.  Sure enough she did.  It’s kind of weird that for the first two years that I was seeing him he only sent out one letter.  Now he is sending out a letter to her every two months.

She let me read the letter as she always does if I ask.  So I do and wouldn’t you know it.  There in big capital letters is the word ’PTSD’.   This is the second time in a short time I have noticed this word being used in regards to me.  I am aware that this is part of my diagnosis but I have ignored it and it really hasn’t been brought up much by anybody.  Until now it seems.

So I asked my family doc about it.  I told her my take on it.   I can see how people can develop this disorder but don’t you have to go through something traumatic to develop it?  My doc just sat there and looked at me.

It seems that I spend a lot of energy trying to wrap my head around this sort of stuff.  I am realizing that denial plays a big part of it but it also seems a bit more complicated than that to me.

Apparently in the view of others I lived in a very abusive situation in which abusive things happened to me.  But for me it was the life I lived everyday.  In my world it wasn’t out of the ordinary.   But here is where it gets a bit strange.

We had neighbors whose kids were part of a group that I would hang around with on occasion.  They were also in a very dysfunctional family.  They weren’t clothed properly; the mother was a drunk and she had a creepy boyfriend. And in some secret place inside of me I knew there were other types of abuse going on.   I was witness to a lot of badness going on in this family.  I remember feeling really bad for these kids.  I felt sorry that they were living and experiencing this stuff.  And yet the whole time I am living in the same thing and not giving it a second thought or not even being aware of it.

Then I wonder why I don’t see this for myself or even feel for myself like I know I do for others.

Is it a lack of self-awareness and if it is how do I get it?

I think I have a blind spot, or two or three…

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5 Responses to Blind Spot

  1. One long journey says:

    As we’ve discussed – I think I am similar. I realize that I experienced severe abuse, but I don’t really remember it so it doesn’t seem as real. It’s kind of a scary thing – to think I am probably affected by it more than I realize. Know what I mean?

    I imagine telling some of my friends my story and I’m sure that some of the responses would be “Oh how horrible” or “I can’t imagine” or “It’s amazing you’ve are where you are” BUT I don’t feel any of that.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes, much to my dismay, I have been slowly learning how much my experiences have affected me. Somehow the EMDR brought that to the forefront of my mind.

      On occasion I have seen that ‘look’ on my family doc’s face when I am recounting a past experience. Sometimes it makes me stop and ask her if she thought what I said was bad. As you have said her reaction doesn’t match how I feel which is usually nothing.

  2. JBR says:

    Lostinamaze, just now trying to catch up on my blog reading. Sorry I have not been around this week. Thank you as always for your encouragement and support. What you share from your heart is real and beneficial. I think we all have some blind spots. May be a self protection in a way still.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I suspect that you are right. I am hoping I can learn what is healthy self protection as opposed to self protection that is detrimental to my healing. It seems like there is so much to figure out.

  3. JBR says:

    Dear one, I am learning now to just trust the process and let my mind rest and not try and figure out everything. It is NOT easy, but this is where my faith comes into play.

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