Stunned

I hope this will make some sense.  And why I say that you will understand shortly.  I had my therapy session tonight.  As usual we spent the first fifteen minutes or so chatting.  Then my t went on to ask me if I thought about what we talked about last week. Well of course, my mind doesn’t hardly stop thinking about what we talked about.  So we spent some time talking about what I was going to work on.  A while back I decided that I needed to work on acceptance.  I need to accept myself, I need to accept my past.  I need all my parts to be on the same page.  My t said to me that acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like it.  Just because I will hopefully learn to accept my past doesn’t mean I have to like it.  If I can get all my parts to play in the same sandbox so to speak doesn’t mean they will always play nicely together.  Accepting something doesn’t have to mean liking it.  So my t and I talked along these lines for a while.

As I was talking along these lines I kept throwing ‘but’ into my sentences.  My conversation was along the lines of “I want to learn that I am a good person but…” “I want to learn to accept my past but…”.  My t then asked me if I really wanted to make this step.  She said that if I kept throwing the ‘buts’ in there I wouldn’t get anywhere.  I told her that I really did want to work on this so I could continue moving ahead.  I really believe my lack of acceptance holds me back.  I also realize this will be extremely hard for me to do.  It goes against most of my core beliefs that I have had basically all my life.

When I told my t that yes I would like to work on this she got tears in her eyes and said that what I said was going to make her cry.  Apparently I am at some sort of turning point in her mind?

Now this is where things get confusing for me and quite foggy in my mind.  She proceeded to say that she would like to do this particular work in a twelve week block and then she would like me to take a break from therapy.  So in other words I will apparently be done therapy. Who knew.

She says this only needs to be a two or three-month break.  I can come back on work on specific issues as they come up. But the therapy will done in chunks.  Three months here, three or six months there type of thing.

There was more conversation on this that hopefully I will be able to write about.

Stunned, how many ways can you say stunned. Stunned doesn’t even come close to how I am feeling.  I feel like someone has died.  I don’t even know what to say.

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11 Responses to Stunned

  1. Chunks? That seems weird to me. It would be very painful for me to face also.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It seems very strange to me. I have spent all day trying to figure it out. I have some ideas that I will post about. I can’t believe how painful this feels.

  2. Harriet says:

    What? I thought the client decides when therapy is done, or when to take a break. I can understand how stunned you feel. I would feel the same way, plus incredibly hurt. Like stabbed in the heart if my t told me that he would like me to take a break from therapy.

    I’m so sorry this happened. Can you talk to her about it some more?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I am very hurt, more then I can say. Apparently we will be discussing this a lot more. You know the proper goodbye and all but at this point I don’t want to even go back.

  3. JBR says:

    Hmmm……. Does it mean that this 12 step chunk then requires you to take a break for three or four months after wards. I would ask a little bit more in detail to what she thinks will happen after the 12 step chunk thing. Maybe what she has in mind is so very intense, you may welcome the break????? I do not know?

    I know with my t. she said it would be a mutual agreement of when my t. would wind down. But, not cut off all of a sudden. Instead of going every week, then maybe every two weeks then so on and so on.

    Here with you dear one.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I can still see her for the three months but it certainly wasn’t a mutual agreement. But three months seems like too short of a time period for me to wind down especially since I have been seeing her for two years..

  4. One long journey says:

    This would be startling/jolting/upsetting to come out of the blue like this. When you say there was more – I’m hoping that meant she shared some of her thought processes behind it. I would have stopped listening after the first suggestion.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I did stop listening. All I could think was ‘are you f*cking kidding me’? I was so stunned that I probably shouldn’t have drove home and I certainly didn’t get any sleep. Jolted is a mild word for it. I still can’t really believe it.

  5. dmtorbi says:

    I just found your blog, having read & commented on your acceptance post, when I scrolled down to this one. I was dismayed to read about your t’s declaration.
    It’s Aug now so your ‘time is up’! I guess.

    How are you doing? I stayed with my wonderful t for 25 yrs & she never did anything to make me feel rejected. I stopped on my own but without her I wouldn’t have made it as well as I have.

    I’m also a t. I don’t know if he/she ever explained the reasoning. The only thing I can think of is that she/he thinks you would need time to both absorb the info you worked on AND to implement it on your own. BUT I don’t agree. I hope you’re OK. Of course, you can always find another t, & be sure to ask @ their policies. Best wishes.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes I have just now started my break. The reason for it, according to my t, is what you have stated. I don’t agree either. I don’t feel that I am ready at this time.

      I live in a rural area so finding a new t is not easy. I know almost everyone here and therefore need to travel out of town for therapy. There are financial considerations for me as well. The society that my t works for has a sliding fee scale and I think that it’s the only place around this area that does. It seems to be all so complicated. Getting help shouldn’t be this hard…

      Thanks for commenting. Sometimes I wonder if what I am feeling about the situation is wrong.

  6. dmtorbi says:

    No, I’m know you’re not wrong. Feelings are NEVER wrong, only sometimes our thoughts & actions. But more importantly, we always have to listen to OUR reactions & emotions to any person or situation. It’s how we honor our truth. Abandonment is one of our core issues so we need to be as kind to ourselves as we can.

    I understand about your logistics. Can you get to al-anon meetings? If not in person, you can find them on the net & on the phone. You don’t have to come from alcoholism to participate. It teaches people how to live better, no matter our situation. I went for several years.

    It was both my grandads that were As. My dad was a preacher, so no drinking, dancing, movies, cards, etc. But the damage done to both my parents were passed down to my sis & me with both barrels. I’ve been cleaning up the mess ever since!

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