I hope this will make some sense. And why I say that you will understand shortly. I had my therapy session tonight. As usual we spent the first fifteen minutes or so chatting. Then my t went on to ask me if I thought about what we talked about last week. Well of course, my mind doesn’t hardly stop thinking about what we talked about. So we spent some time talking about what I was going to work on. A while back I decided that I needed to work on acceptance. I need to accept myself, I need to accept my past. I need all my parts to be on the same page. My t said to me that acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like it. Just because I will hopefully learn to accept my past doesn’t mean I have to like it. If I can get all my parts to play in the same sandbox so to speak doesn’t mean they will always play nicely together. Accepting something doesn’t have to mean liking it. So my t and I talked along these lines for a while.
As I was talking along these lines I kept throwing ‘but’ into my sentences. My conversation was along the lines of “I want to learn that I am a good person but…” “I want to learn to accept my past but…”. My t then asked me if I really wanted to make this step. She said that if I kept throwing the ‘buts’ in there I wouldn’t get anywhere. I told her that I really did want to work on this so I could continue moving ahead. I really believe my lack of acceptance holds me back. I also realize this will be extremely hard for me to do. It goes against most of my core beliefs that I have had basically all my life.
When I told my t that yes I would like to work on this she got tears in her eyes and said that what I said was going to make her cry. Apparently I am at some sort of turning point in her mind?
Now this is where things get confusing for me and quite foggy in my mind. She proceeded to say that she would like to do this particular work in a twelve week block and then she would like me to take a break from therapy. So in other words I will apparently be done therapy. Who knew.
She says this only needs to be a two or three-month break. I can come back on work on specific issues as they come up. But the therapy will done in chunks. Three months here, three or six months there type of thing.
There was more conversation on this that hopefully I will be able to write about.
Stunned, how many ways can you say stunned. Stunned doesn’t even come close to how I am feeling. I feel like someone has died. I don’t even know what to say.