Theories

It has been two days now and I am still in disbelief.

You can also see how my mind whirls around trying to find explanations.  I like black and white.

When I heard those words “I think you need to take a break” I literally felt like I was slammed in the upside the head.  Except it was a full body experience.  And after I heard those words I didn’t hear any other words.  Those words were all I could hear in my mind and those words where all I could feel in my body.

I have been trying to figure it out without much success.  I have no idea what is going on in my t’s mind.  This is one time I wish I were a mind reader because I really need to understand.  But I have a theory that I think might be partly right although I don’t think my t would agree.

I have kind of picked up from some things from what my t has said over the past two years. The organization that she works for is not really a proponent of long- term counselling.  I know there are theories out there about long-term verses short-term counselling.  But I haven’t really looked into it.  Anyway I remember asking my t one time how long the average client attends counselling in her organization.  She said that she has counseled clients up to a year and a half.  I have seen her 2 years now.

My t has also told me a couple of times in the past when she reviews my case with her supervisor, her supervisor asks if she thinks I am ready to be discharged so to speak.

My t has told me that she goes to bat for her clients if she doesn’t think they are ready. I think she has gone to bat for me a few times but I have this feeling the pressure is on her to release me.  I’m not sure my t would admit to this.  It is probably very subtle. I think in her supervisors’ eyes I have over stayed my limit.

In my shell-shocked condition the other night I vaguely remember my t saying that she felt relaxed about me taking a break at this time.  But that is easy for her to say from her side of the room.  Besides is she trying to make herself feel better about it?

She told me that this is a therapeutic break and doesn’t have to be a permanent one.  She said something else about this but I can’t remember.

I will have a lot more to say about what is going on as I am desperately trying to get a grip.

I can honestly say that I have never felt this way before in my entire life.  Not even when I was living my past.

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9 Responses to Theories

  1. JBR says:

    Dear one I am so very sorry for your struggle.

    Gosh, if it is true that the organization she is employed with has standard rules to “when you are supposed to be better” in my opinion that would not sit well with me either.

    Yes, you need to talk with her about this. Not just cut you off all together, but to gradually. That would only make sense. Even my t. said that it would be a gradual thing and eventually may do a maintenance check up every three months or six months. That is what it looks like your t. is doing. Skipping the gradual part and going right into the maintenance check up. ?????

    • lostinamaze says:

      I decided that I will talk to her about that. I have been writing some things down because I know when I see her next my mind will go blank. I’m not sure what she is doing either.

  2. One long journey says:

    I wish you well in your upcoming session. Defined time limits for abuse survivors seems contrary to most of what is written. Most (perhaps everything) that I have read indicates that the journey varies for everyone, but usually is not quick. Even in the EMDR book, it states that EMDR may take years of processing for someone who has experienced long term abuse.

    Perhaps it says something about your progress that she thinks you are ready for a break. I hope it is something you can explore in your upcoming sessions.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I guess that is one of the things that troubles me. I’m sure that I will be discussing this with her in depth.

      Well she did tell me a few sessions ago that she thought that I have progressed in leaps and bounds. But unfortunately I am now suspicious of why she said this. Because I now know she had the break in mind already.

      I can’t help my suspicious nature taking over.

  3. Harriet says:

    Just checking in – have you seen her since the last session? How are things going?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I will be seeing her tonight. I am really dreading it though. I just hope I can hold it together. I have a strong urge not to go back at all and just avoid the whole thing all together. Old coping skills you know. Thanks for checking, this probably sounds weird but I have no one in real life to talk to this about. Nobody even knows I am doing therapy.

  4. One long journey says:

    That doesn’t sound weird at all. Very few people know that I am in therapy and those that do have no idea about why. It is nice to have the online support. 🙂

    You should definitely go – but why do you have to “hold it together”? She needs to see how this is affecting you.

    Thinking of you tonight. Funny – I am a Tuesday appt and I think Harriet is also. Kind of like synchronized menstrual cycles.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It’s really nice to have online support. And I thank you for yours.

      One of the toughest things in life for me to do is to let people see how I am really doing.

      ‘kind of like synchronized menstrual cycles’ made me laugh out loud. 🙂

  5. One long journey says:

    Back at you 🙂

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