It has been two days now and I am still in disbelief.
You can also see how my mind whirls around trying to find explanations. I like black and white.
When I heard those words “I think you need to take a break” I literally felt like I was slammed in the upside the head. Except it was a full body experience. And after I heard those words I didn’t hear any other words. Those words were all I could hear in my mind and those words where all I could feel in my body.
I have been trying to figure it out without much success. I have no idea what is going on in my t’s mind. This is one time I wish I were a mind reader because I really need to understand. But I have a theory that I think might be partly right although I don’t think my t would agree.
I have kind of picked up from some things from what my t has said over the past two years. The organization that she works for is not really a proponent of long- term counselling. I know there are theories out there about long-term verses short-term counselling. But I haven’t really looked into it. Anyway I remember asking my t one time how long the average client attends counselling in her organization. She said that she has counseled clients up to a year and a half. I have seen her 2 years now.
My t has also told me a couple of times in the past when she reviews my case with her supervisor, her supervisor asks if she thinks I am ready to be discharged so to speak.
My t has told me that she goes to bat for her clients if she doesn’t think they are ready. I think she has gone to bat for me a few times but I have this feeling the pressure is on her to release me. I’m not sure my t would admit to this. It is probably very subtle. I think in her supervisors’ eyes I have over stayed my limit.
In my shell-shocked condition the other night I vaguely remember my t saying that she felt relaxed about me taking a break at this time. But that is easy for her to say from her side of the room. Besides is she trying to make herself feel better about it?
She told me that this is a therapeutic break and doesn’t have to be a permanent one. She said something else about this but I can’t remember.
I will have a lot more to say about what is going on as I am desperately trying to get a grip.
I can honestly say that I have never felt this way before in my entire life. Not even when I was living my past.