It’s a therapeutic break she says. Oh, I say, what does that mean exactly? You have worked very hard at therapy for two years now, for two hours once a week every week. (except for holidays and sick days, etc.) Plus the group therapy that you did previous to me, she says. I say I want to keep working at therapy. She says that I need to step away for a bit and take a rest. Go and enjoy yourself without having to think about it all the time.
Like a child I say ‘but I don’t want to’. What are finding so hard about not doing therapy for a short while she says to me. I sit there with thoughts tumbling around in my head. They are seeking escape but I am reluctant to let them have their say. In my mind I can hear myself sounding like a small child. I can hear myself becoming whiny. I can hear myself sounding needy.
I have spent my life not being needy. I have spent my life being self-reliant. Doing so has kept me safe.
She sits there with eyes full of some emotion I can’t ascertain. I don’t know….I say…what if I phone you and you tell me “I’m sorry but my caseload is full”. My caseload is irrelevant to you she says. I say, no… that could happen. You could use that as an excuse to dump me. So she conceded and explained how it all works and to reassure me that she did want to keep working with me.
What if I close up again and can’t ask for help, it took so long the first time. Besides, I say, I feel like this last two years I have just been building the foundation in readiness to do the really deep work. I feel that I am finally ready to step into my darkest self. It took so long just to get where I am and to learn that I could trust you. Now what?
Exactly! She says with emphasis. Now this is where I find my t really annoying. How they can take something woeful you are saying and turn it around to something positive. At this point I wasn’t into positive. Now I am also feeling that I am digging a bigger hole. Am I saying things that are reinforcing her belief of the ‘break’? I feel things are backfiring on me.
Exactly, she says again. This is the reason why I want you to take a break. You need to learn that you can do this on your own. That your foundation is strong. You need to know that the skills you have learned will bring you through when you are triggered. You need to know that your foundation is strong before we begin to rebuild the house. Yes, she says, I am part of the process but you also need to know that you can do this on your own as well. You need to learn to take the things you have learned and put them into practice and by doing so start to find the strength that I see within you.
As I was leaving I asked her “what are we doing next week?” She says I have something in mind…