Artwork Part Two

My drawings were behind the chair that I usually sit in.  She asked me to move my chair so I could look at my work.  The only place I could move my chair was beside her.  So now, not only am I feeling disconnected from looking at my work I am also starting to feel disoriented.  I always face my T.  I have never sat beside her.  I need to see her face; I need to see her body language. I need to see how she is reacting toward me.  I feel uneasy.

With all this stuff going on within me, I need to try to engage with the work she is asking me to do. No small task.  I am feeling out of it by now.

I stare at the blank sheet of paper.  The minutes tick by.  I start to wonder if I should tell her that I can’t do this right now.

But I just sit there.  She seems relaxed, just letting me take my time, letting happen what needs to happen.  In the silence I wish I could see her face.  But when it finally dawns on me that she is being patient, the pressure eases up.

After what seems like eternity I am finally able to sketch out some parts, five to be exact.  I still can’t go near the bad parts of me.

My T then asks me to arrange them on the wall.  She wants me to take my time doing this.  I rearranged them several times before I was satisfied.  I sit down and she asks me if there is anything I see in my arrangement of the parts that I drew. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to see but being fairly clueless about myself I of course didn’t see anything.

She asked me if she could share with me what she sees within the arrangement.  Go ahead but I’m sure there’s not much to see.

By the time she finished sharing you could have knocked me over with a feather.  There it was as plain as day but for some reason I couldn’t see it on my own.  Now I could see how some parts were clumped together while keeping others apart.  Some drawings were hiding others.  It was also interesting to see the one (control) I stuck at the very top and the one that was at the very bottom (baby or very young child, which by the way doesn’t exist).

As we were discussing a certain part that I was having a hard time explaining it suddenly occurred to me that this part had parts within it.  But I’m not sure that’s possible.  I’m more inclined to think that I really don’t understand that part of me yet.  Are you confused yet because I am.

My T asked me if she could leave the drawings on the wall overnight so she could take a picture of them in the morning.  Apparently as I continue to draw and rearrange these parts of me she wants to keep track of the progression.

As hard as doing this is, I am starting to realize how much art has helped in accessing what was totally inaccessible in me.

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10 Responses to Artwork Part Two

  1. I think it is ok to have parts within parts. It’s your system, so the way you see it is key.

    It sounds fascinating!

  2. lostinamaze says:

    I find it all rather fascinating myself. As for parts within parts I am hoping to gain more understanding. And then there is the part of me that thinks this is all hokey. 🙂

  3. Lothlorien says:

    What a great assignment!
    To answer your question about parts being able to have part inside them, this is very possible. If a part is out and experiences something difficult, there can either be a switch to another existing alter, or that particular alter can split. I have some that have sort of done that, and I think that happens a lot when you consider people who are consider poly fragmented with 100 alters. So, yes it’s possible.

  4. JBR says:

    This art therapy you are doing is quite impressive and interesting. Glad you t. is very patient. I too try and read body language. I can understand not wanting to bring out the bad parts yet. ((((lostinamaze))))

    • lostinamaze says:

      My t seems to be very patient but I don’t always recognize it. Yes there are things that I don’t want to face about myself and yet I think I’m slowly getting there. Scary.

  5. Harriet says:

    This sounds amazing and fascinating. I am terrible at art, but I wonder what would happen if I tried to draw something I felt. I don’t think I would know where to start. I give you a lot of credit for doing this and being accepting of your T’s interpretation.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Actually I am terrible at art myself. Maybe if I get brave enough I will post some. It took me long time to consent to do it because of that fact. I am very surprised in how it has helped me to express what I didn’t think possible.

  6. Lostinamaze
    Wow.
    I can’t tell you how much I hear and understand your terror at the stuff that is going on for you.
    It sounds absolutley amazing but also so frightening.
    Thinking of you
    x

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you…some days I’m not sure I can bear it. But I have been surprised at how much that knowing I am not alone has helped me continue on with this journey.

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