This time when I walk into the room my drawings are not on the wall, they are in a folder. As usual we spend the first half hour chit chatting about this and that. I am quite happy to continue chatting for as long as I can drag it out. She starts to ease me into the session by asking me if anything came up for me after the last session. We talk about my nightmare for a bit. Then come the dreaded words, “would you like to continue working on this?” Oh sure I say rather flippantly knowing deep down that this is a place I fear to tread.
She hands me the folder with all my parts so neatly stacked within. If only it were like that in real life, all neatly stacked. No muss, no fuss. She wants me to arrange them on the wall once again, arranging them as it feels to me this night. How does it ‘feel’? That I am never sure of. I have also added four more parts of me.
Tonight’s arrangement is completely different than last weeks. Most of my weaker parts are covered up by my strong defender part. This is the part of me that rises up when the therapy is getting too close for comfort. When I start feeling that I am about to lose control. My t likened it to the reaction of a dog when it becomes cornered. Some dogs will bare their teeth and start snarling. Yeah I guess that’s how it can feel to me. It’s probably a good thing my t doesn’t react to whatever snarling I may do.
My t asked me how it would feel if we took that part away. Well to be honest I don’t know if she really said that or something else because what happened next really disconcerted me.
My t got up and went over to the wall and took away the defender part. Now I realize that these are only pictures on the wall. But all of sudden it felt like I was naked or something. Stripped bare for all to see kind of sensation. I almost immediately told her that she needed to put it back up. My t must have been watching me because interesting enough she told me the moment she removed that drawing my whole demeanor and face changed. I didn’t ask her how. I’m not going there yet. I felt relief when she put it back. It was an interesting but bothersome experience. After all they are just pictures that I drew.
My t told me tonight that this is really big work that I am doing. The fact that I have been drawing out the parts of me and looking at them outside of me. She said this is huge for me. You want to know what I think? I think this is hugely scary.