Yesterday I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist. I was struck by how different my relationship with him is compared to my relationship with my therapist. I have seen this guy about once every 4 to 6 weeks for an hour consistently for almost four years now. I started seeing him in 2006 when my tightly controlled world fell apart. That was also the time I first had contact with my current therapist.
At the suggestion of my soon to be departed family doc I initiated the process to start individual counselling. I made I appointment with the recommended agency and was placed with a T. She did the interview process and in the following week told that she couldn’t see me because I was too unstable. Great, so what’s the point of counselling anyway? I find it strange that I ended up seeing her for counseling two years later. In the meantime one of her recommendations to my family doc was that I should see a pdoc for a proper evaluation and diagnoses and probably stabilization. As far as I was concerned the family doc was doing just fine in her treatment of me. But whatever, I was new to the game.
My pdoc is a very laid back guy who takes whatever I throw at him in stride. He is very excepting of the fact that I don’t do well on medication, that I have an extreme sensitivity to most medications. He would like me to try different meds but doesn’t push or pressure me to do so.
My appointments with him seem to mostly consist of chatting about the mental health system here in Canada, about him and his family, about my family. And a few times during our sessions he’ll ask me a more personal question. Sometimes I wonder what is the point of our sessions but then I’ll get this feeling he is evaluating me somehow. I have learnt along the way that he is very astute and I think very subtle with the way he works with me.
This week was the first time that I have seen him since I found out that I would be taking my unwanted break. I told him about it so we ended up talking about this for most of the session.
One of the first questions he asked me was if we had talked about my suicide ideation. I told him that I don’t talk to her too much about it and if I do it is in a very general way. In fact I mostly talk to him about it. I am very honest with my pdoc about suicide. It is safe to do so without fear of him doing something drastic like throwing me into the hospital. I’m not sure why he asked me this.
The second question he asked me was did she know about my abandonment issues. Of course she does.
This question got me thinking. In the last four years I have had four family docs; one I wasn’t happy with and two moved away. In my quest to find a counsellor in the beginning I had five counsellors; two of them moved shortly after I started seeing them, one wasn’t a good fit, two took different positions that didn’t include client counselling. This counsellor ordeal happened in less than a year’s time.
As I have mentioned I often wonder why he keeps seeing me especially when I don’t take anything but clonazepam on occasion. Then it hit me; he has been the only consistent person in my mental health journey. He knows this. I don’t think that I need to wonder anymore.