Circle, part one

Lets all sit in a circle, hold hands and sing songs around the campfire. I’m not much for campfire sentimentally; well at least tonight I wasn’t feeling it.  She handed me the pictures once again tonight.  But this time she told me how she wanted me to arrange them.  My first thought was ‘that’s unusual’ because up till now I have arranged them myself without any suggestions from her. .  My second thought when she told me how she wanted them arranged was ‘oh crap’.   A circle.  She wanted them arranged in a circle?   Really?  That’s impossible.  I just sat there, by her side no less, and looked at her.  She said that we needed to get my parts talking to each other.  Why ever for, I was thinking at that moment.

Just the thought of this was causing my anxiety level to rise.  It is rising just thinking about it now.   I told my t that I didn’t think it was possible to do so.  But after some explaining on her part I thought that I would give it a try.  What was I thinking?

Anyway I went ahead and placed the pictures in a circle.  Except for one.   One particular part I placed smack dab in the middle.  The multi part, defender part.  At least that’s what I am calling it for now (not entirely sure about this part).   My t said that it couldn’t be there, that it has to be part of the circle.  Now this is where I ran into a real big problem.  I couldn’t move it.  My anxiety went through the roof when she said that.  She asked me why I couldn’t move it.  I don’t know, I said. I just can’t.  We had some discussion on this to try to determine why I couldn’t do this and how it was making me feel.  I didn’t have any answers.

So with some warning this time she moved the defender part so it was part of the circle.  She than asked me how that felt to me.  I couldn’t figure out how I was feeling.   Then she once again, like last week, took this part away completely for a few seconds.  She asked about my reaction to that. I told her that she couldn’t do that.  I only knew that it was the most unpleasant and unnerving experience that I have had in a long time.  She put the part back in the middle.  For now she said. We then talked about the importance of this part and a little about the role it is playing now.   We need to get this part to talk to the others she said and define its role(s).

I’m beginning to think I’d rather walk on coals.

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2 Responses to Circle, part one

  1. JBR says:

    Such an interesting approach your t. has to your healing process. I see in your writings how painful and uncomfortable it is for you. You are certainly being triggered and she is trying to get to the root of the pain. Here with you understanding dear one.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Her approach does seem to get me to realize some of the things going on with me. I am finding the visual aspect of this type of approach quite powerful. Not sure I like it though.

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