Circle, part two

I asked my t why am I feeling this way?  They are only pictures.  No, she said, they aren’t only pictures.  They are parts of you that you have been brave enough to bring to the outside.  My t told me that looking at the circle, she herself could feel some of what I was feeling.  I thought that was interesting.  She said that when she was learning this particular art technique in a conference, she had to do it herself.  She said that this is really hard stuff to do.  Oh yeah.

After some exploration type questions she once again asked me what I was feeling.  By this time I am visibly agitated.  Keep in mind this is happening within about a 10-minute span.  I finally told her that it was all I could do to stay in the room.

My t actually suggested that I leave the room and take a walk around the hallways.  She said that it would be good to get up and move around to get my energy moving.  I took her up on it and as I was leaving she told me to leave the door open.  She keeps her room fairly warm because she always feels chilly and I don’t mind, as I tend to be cold as well.   And as an aside, it has been down right cold here in this part of the world.  So as I was leaving for my little walk I flippantly threw out to her that her room was going to get cold if I left the door open.  In reply to me she said I was worth the risk.  That caught me off guard so much I didn’t even acknowledge what she said.

When I came back from my little walk, I felt a little better.

My t asked me to put this part back into the circle and with a great deal of resistance within me I did so.  She then brought out a roll of skinny ribbon and a pair of scissors.  She asked me to use the ribbon to match who plays with whom, so to speak.  This took me the greater part of the session to do.  To sit there keeping the defender part as part of the circle and match up the parts that play off each other was no easy task.   I could feel the actual defender part within me rising up to the occasion.  I was starting to throw out some remarks like “they let you have sharp objects in here?” “are you sure I should be handling the scissors?”.  The last remark is legitimate. As I tend to be clumsy with sharp objects, often cutting myself by accident.   Anyways I could feel this crap quite strongly.

The session finally ended.  And I was more than ready for this to end.  But just before we did a grounding exercise I took one last glance at the circle of my parts.  It struck me all of a sudden that my three best buddies were at the top of the circle.

Silent/silenced, defender/controller, contained.   These three kept me alive when I was a child, they kept me alive as a teenager and they kept me alive as an adult.

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4 Responses to Circle, part two

  1. Harriet says:

    Wow what hard work you are doing. I am always amazed when I read your posts about your therapy, how creative and inspiring your t is in getting to your true feelings.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I just wish that I could figure out what I am actually feeling. I can’t for the most part figure out anything beyond anger and fear. Hopefully someday I will get there.

  2. One long journey says:

    Lost –
    Your T sounds amazing and you are doing great work. I think it is common for us survivors to figure out what we are feeling. That’s what has led to prickly times between my T and I. I KNOW I NEED TO FIND MY FEELINGS – but how do I do that? That’s what we talk about now – a lot.

    Thinking of you.

    OLJ

    • lostinamaze says:

      I don’t like when I get that way with my T but I’m figuring out that it is actually a safe place to do it. A safe place to try to express some of what I may be feeling at the time. But then I start feeling bad and suck it all back in. Feelings…ugh

      It’s a good start in being able to talk about it. Take care.

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