Down and Out

I didn’t have therapy tonight.  My t took this week off.  But to be honest I have felt so down lately about this whole situation that I didn’t care about not having a session.  This is so unlike me.  And so I wonder….

I am really struggling in my therapy sessions these days. These recent sessions have been particularly hard for me because of what we are working on.   There is a lot of unrest going on inside of me.  Sometimes it feels like more than I can bear.  One of the problems I ‘m having within the sessions is trying to keep my mind from wandering.  I often find myself staring blankly at the wall.

In my last session it was like there were two people in the room.  Part of me was feeling really sad and down.  I started thinking that in a few short months (mid August) this will be coming to an end, even if it is only for around three months.  Then I started thinking even weirder thoughts.  I was sitting there thinking that soon someone else will be sitting in this chair at this same time doing therapy with her.  And I will be at home wondering what is going on in this room at this time.  Drama queen thoughts like that were going through my head.  Then another part of me was trying to concentrate on doing the therapy.  I never knew that I was so good at multitasking.

I have wondered though if I am pushing too hard in working through my sessions.  There is too much unrest going on in me that I am ignoring in the sessions.  There is a quiet desperation in me to get it done regardless of the consequences because I know my time is almost up.  At the beginning of the session my t asks me how I’m doing and has anything come up from the previous weeks session. I have said no, everything is fine.  It’s like I don’t want to waste the time that I have left on trivial things like feelings and internal strife.  I have the attitude of lets just get it done.

I have not talked to my t about the impending break since the week after she told me and she has not asked.  I’m not sure why she hasn’t asked knowing how deeply it affected me.  Maybe it’s a therapist thing in that she is waiting for me to bring it up myself.

I have been able to stuff it all away in a corner of my mind for the most part.  But unfortunately I seem to losing the ability to keep it there.

I need to talk to her but…

I don’t want to talk to her about this for many reasons.  The biggest two being that I don’t want to seem like I am needy and I don’t want to lose control in front of her again.

I need to talk to her but I don’t know how to and I don’t know what to say.

To be honest this all really sucks.

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10 Responses to Down and Out

  1. One long journey says:

    Lost –
    “don’t want to waste the time that I have left on trivial things like feelings and internal strife”

    That sort of nails it doesn’t it – thinking that talking about such things is a waste of the time when perhaps it is the crux of the matter.

    I hope you can get to a place where you can talk to her about your fears. And we are all “needy” in our own ways – but I know that doesn’t make it easier.

    Thinking of you,

    • lostinamaze says:

      The so called therapeutic relationship stirs up all kinds of issues for me especially in the relationship arena. That is such a hard thing for me. I hope I can do it as well.

  2. Oh Lost…

    I wish that there was some way I could communicate the level at whic this makes SO MUCH sense to me.
    I understand that you have been pushing the thoughts away for a while but a part of you is trying to get ready… trying to brace itself for the loss you will, inevitably, feel.
    I also understand just how unbearable therapy feels. The pain that it can provoke is unreal sometimes, I know.

    One of my main issues is that I am absolutely terrified of appearing to be needy. Nothing engenders more disgust in me than the idea that I may ‘need’ something. I want to be able to do things on my own. i never want to need anyone. It’s just a desperate attempt to never crave comfort from anyone.
    So hard.

    I hear your desperation and your determination and your fear Lost…

    Please know that I’m with you and can understand at least a tiny bit of how you are feeling right now.


    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you WS, I know you understand. I always find it amazing when others understand me when I hardly understand myself. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so determined maybe it would be less painful but than again maybe not.

  3. JBR says:

    You know dear one thing I have learned it t. is that it is okay “to be needy.” Now that is just me. I would talk to her about how your sessions will soon come to an end. That is a big thing. You cannot just ignore something like this. It will eat away at you. Dear one, this is just my opinion. I am always here listening……

    • lostinamaze says:

      Maybe I should just let that neediness happen and see how it really is. It is probably nothing like I perceive it to be anyway. I know that I should talk to her sooner than later. scary.

  4. Lothlorien says:

    Perhaps it would help to explain to her that this impending break is keeping you preoccupied to such a degree that it is affecting your presence and openess in session.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Sometimes I don’t see things even if they are staring me in the face. Discussing with her how it is affecting me in the sessions rather than the break itself which I can’t change anyway.

      I know that I would have a hard time talking to her about this so maybe I can bring to her a modified version of what I have written in this post. And see what happens. Yikes!

  5. Harriet says:

    I agree that maybe the impending separation is causing you to pull back now. Unconsciously making it easier for yourself when the time comes to stop.

    And, oh, the neediness stuff – I am totally the same. I hate to admit to any needs and am so ashamed to even have any. It’s ridiculous! Everyone has them! But people like us don’t like to be that way.

    I also hate when my t waits for me to bring up something. He knows something is bothering me and he knows what it is, but he won’t mention it. I don’t really agree with that aspect of the therapeutic process frankly. Especially for people who have difficulty opening up. I’m sorry she is “ignoring” your need to discuss the separation.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I don’t agree either. Knowing me though, because how I am feeling about the upcoming break feels really needy to me, I would probably deny anything is wrong.
      Shame is a good word for it. I don’t think that I have thought of it that way before.

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