I didn’t have therapy tonight. My t took this week off. But to be honest I have felt so down lately about this whole situation that I didn’t care about not having a session. This is so unlike me. And so I wonder….
I am really struggling in my therapy sessions these days. These recent sessions have been particularly hard for me because of what we are working on. There is a lot of unrest going on inside of me. Sometimes it feels like more than I can bear. One of the problems I ‘m having within the sessions is trying to keep my mind from wandering. I often find myself staring blankly at the wall.
In my last session it was like there were two people in the room. Part of me was feeling really sad and down. I started thinking that in a few short months (mid August) this will be coming to an end, even if it is only for around three months. Then I started thinking even weirder thoughts. I was sitting there thinking that soon someone else will be sitting in this chair at this same time doing therapy with her. And I will be at home wondering what is going on in this room at this time. Drama queen thoughts like that were going through my head. Then another part of me was trying to concentrate on doing the therapy. I never knew that I was so good at multitasking.
I have wondered though if I am pushing too hard in working through my sessions. There is too much unrest going on in me that I am ignoring in the sessions. There is a quiet desperation in me to get it done regardless of the consequences because I know my time is almost up. At the beginning of the session my t asks me how I’m doing and has anything come up from the previous weeks session. I have said no, everything is fine. It’s like I don’t want to waste the time that I have left on trivial things like feelings and internal strife. I have the attitude of lets just get it done.
I have not talked to my t about the impending break since the week after she told me and she has not asked. I’m not sure why she hasn’t asked knowing how deeply it affected me. Maybe it’s a therapist thing in that she is waiting for me to bring it up myself.
I have been able to stuff it all away in a corner of my mind for the most part. But unfortunately I seem to losing the ability to keep it there.
I need to talk to her but…
I don’t want to talk to her about this for many reasons. The biggest two being that I don’t want to seem like I am needy and I don’t want to lose control in front of her again.
I need to talk to her but I don’t know how to and I don’t know what to say.
To be honest this all really sucks.