I’m not sure what to think about my session last night. First we talked about what the last 6 sessions would look like. I thought that we kind of covered that in the last session but whatever. We decided that the last two sessions would be spent doing our farewell. Nice, I’m looking forward to that I’m sure, not.
That’s the kind of attitude I went into the session with. It caught me off guard because I wasn’t that way on the drive in. I was actually feeling manic yesterday. This happens to me at times but it doesn’t usually last long. But having all this energy with an attitude is not a good combination.
We talked about my job. I rarely talk about it to her. But what happened at work a few weeks ago was one of the things that prompted me to write out how I feel about my therapeutic break.
I lost my temper. In a big way. It was one of the rare times that I have lost control especially when there are people around. To make a long story short. My boss makes very unfair remarks about other employees and people who we deal with on a day-to-day basis. This goes on all day long. Well on the day I lost it she made a remark that was totally uncalled for. Before I knew what was happening , I lost control. Although we were in the same room together thankfully we were out of sight from each other. Lets just say things were being slammed around. I had to leave the building for a bit. To this day my boss hasn’t even hinted to me that this ever happened.
I found it very troublesome that I lost control and so it became a topic of discussion in my session.
Anyway as I said, I walked into my session with a bit of an attitude going on. But apparently my T is up to it. I was challenging her a fair bit and pushing at her at times during the session. Word wise that is. All in relation to the break that I am in disagreement with. I knew deep down that I was trying to get a rise out of her. Mostly trying to get her to react to me, trying to get her mad at me. But I couldn’t even ruffle a feather.
Finally she responded but not in the way I would have expected. She said to me “ you are hurt and you are angry and I understand”. “what makes you say that?” I asked. So she tells me her observation of my behaviour.
I feel bad for acting out like a kid having a temper tantrum. And her understanding? Well I just don’t get that.