Temper, Temper

I’m not sure what to think about my session last night.  First we talked about what the last 6 sessions would look like.  I thought that we kind of covered that in the last session but whatever.  We decided that the last two sessions would be spent doing our farewell.  Nice, I’m looking forward to that I’m sure, not.

That’s the kind of attitude I went into the session with.  It caught me off guard because I wasn’t that way on the drive in.   I was actually feeling manic yesterday.  This happens to me at times but it doesn’t usually last long.  But having all this energy with an attitude is not a good combination.

We talked about my job.  I rarely talk about it to her. But what happened at work a few weeks ago was one of the things that prompted me to write out how I feel about my therapeutic break.

I lost my temper.  In a big way.  It was one of the rare times that I have lost control especially when there are people around.  To make a long story short.  My boss makes very unfair remarks about other employees and people who we deal with on a day-to-day basis. This goes on all day long.  Well on the day I lost it she made a remark that was totally uncalled for.  Before I knew what was happening , I lost control.  Although we were in the same room together thankfully we were out of sight from each other.  Lets just say things were being slammed around.  I had to leave the building for a bit. To this day my boss hasn’t even hinted to me that this ever happened.

I found it very troublesome that I lost control and so it became a topic of discussion in my session.

Anyway as I said, I walked into my session with a bit of an attitude going on.  But apparently my T is up to it.  I was challenging her a fair bit and pushing at her at times during the session. Word wise that is. All in relation to the break that I am in disagreement with. I knew deep down that I was trying to get a rise out of her. Mostly trying to get her to react to me, trying to get her mad at me.   But I couldn’t even ruffle a feather.

Finally she responded but not in the way I would have expected.  She said to me “ you are hurt and you are angry and I understand”. “what makes you say that?” I asked.  So she tells me her observation of my behaviour.

I feel bad for acting out like a kid having a temper tantrum.  And her understanding? Well I just don’t get that.

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10 Responses to Temper, Temper

  1. onelongjourney says:

    Ouch – sounds like a tough one. Don’t you hate it when your mood/mind/personna changes the instant you step foot in the office? Into the safe place. Doesn’t happen all the time – I’m beginning to realize those times are when I NEED to talk about something but don’t really care to.

    Your T’s reaction – she understands because she cares about you – she knows where you’ve been and why you are angry. Genuine caring – that’s hard to accept most times.

    Take care,

    • lostinamaze says:

      My t used those exact words ‘safe place’. That I can start to express what I feel because it’s safe. Those are the times I seem to really resist. Cares – that is hard to grasp.

  2. This does sound tough. I hate it when I get triggered (into angry) by idiots at work and I get even more angry when it invades my therapy time. I hope you felt it was worked out some in session, she seems like an understanding type of T.


    • lostinamaze says:

      It seems these days I’m constantly angry at the idiots at work these days. Trouble is I don’t know what to do with understanding. I think that sometimes the understanding makes me angry. Doesn’t make any sense to me.

  3. Lothlorien says:

    I think just just knows you are angry about the break, and this response was expected at some point.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think you are right but I really wasn’t expecting that I would respond this way. I am feeling less adult because of this. Ugh

  4. Just Be Real says:

    I know those triggers to. A lot has to do with my stinkin’thinkin’ and my perception. It is even hard for me to be gentle with myself. Your t. seems to understand. That is a plus dear one.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Even though she seems to understand I’m having a hard time accepting it. She told me my reactions are normal but it’s like I’m not allowed to have normal reactions. My perceptions certainly are skewed.

  5. Harriet says:

    This is tough. I’m sorry work is difficult, and I can so relate to the feelings of rage and the resulting shame from losing control. I still don’t understand the break, and if it takes 6 sessions to come to terms with taking a break it seems like it would be more productive to not take a break and use those 6 sessions for other purposes!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I agree with you about the break. I don’t feel now is the time but she has other ideas and is not about to change her mind. She must know something that I don’t and I guess she’s the expert. Oh well.

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