This week I worked Thursday which was Canada Day for as Canadians, and took Friday off instead. I thought it would be great to have a long weekend to take it easy for at least one day. Well it didn’t end up that way. I received a phone call from and elderly lady. I did some work for her shortly after she had fallen and broke her ankle a few months ago. Apparently she developed a blood clot and is still in a wheelchair. And would I help her out again. So on Friday off I went to her house to do whatever she needed. Don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoy helping elderly people out. It’s just for some reason this weekend turned out to be extremely busy. So after I finished at her house I spent another three hours doing a few of my own jobs.
Sunday I ended up doing paid work that I normally would have done on Saturday.
Saturday was also busy but I was mostly doing fun stuff. When I woke up in the morning I was feeling kind of off and it decidedly got worse as the day wore on. My head was feeling all weird like I was in a waking dream. I can usually ignore when this is going on. But today (Sunday) I was giving it some thought and I think that I might have actually figured out why. My problem is recognizing when I am actually triggered. In fact until recently I didn’t know what people meant when they said they were triggered. I didn’t think that anything ever triggered me. I think I realize now why that is. I am excellent at ignoring it and/or didn’t actually know what was going on.
On Saturday I went to the smallish city to attend and take part in an event. A friend of mine asked me if I would do so and without thinking it through said yes. Trigger number one. Before developing panic disorder and agoraphobia I did this kind of thing all the time. With this event I would be performing in front of a large crowd. Then as I was thinking and slightly freaking about this I thought it through even further. Trigger number two. Oh crap, what if my therapist attends this event since it has to do with a common interest that we have. I never thought of that when I said yes. I was thinking and feeling bad because if she decides to attend I will feel like I am invading her space. I know it’s weird thinking but that how my brain seems to work. If I’m not careful this kind of thinking can really mess with me and I wasn’t being very careful.
I had already made the commitment and didn’t feel that I could back out. I went and was doing my thing all the while scanning the crowd. I didn’t see her at all day, much to my relief, when just before they were drawing names for the raffle prizes I spotted her. Yikes. It’s not that I would avoid her anywhere else like in stores and such. It just that I feel like I’m invading her space at events. Because we both know that we have this common interest. I think that I feel like a stalker.
I try to blend into the crowd not knowing if she has seen me. I don’t ever see her looking my way but only she knows for sure. I thought I was doing a good job of blending when all of a sudden my name is called out as a winner of a raffle prize. So much for blending. As I walk up in front of the crowd to get my prize I don’t look at anyone at all. If I can’t see you, you can’t see me syndrome.
Now I am trying to figure out how to deal with this in our next session. As I see it I have a few options.
1. When she asks me how my weekend was, I will say fine, I was busy and say nothing more.
2. I could say that my weekend was busy and tell her what I did without mentioning that I had seen her
3. I could say that my weekend was busy and tell her what I did and that I did see her. Except I feel bad about not going over to her and at least saying hi. But like I said for some reason I was just really triggered by it all.
I hate when things get complicated or should I say when I complicate them.