Seen

This week I worked Thursday which was Canada Day for as Canadians, and took Friday off instead.  I thought it would be great to have a long weekend to take it easy for at least one day.  Well it didn’t end up that way.  I received a phone call from and elderly lady.  I did some  work for her shortly after she had fallen and broke her ankle a few months ago.  Apparently she developed a blood clot and is still in a wheelchair. And would I help her out again.  So on Friday off I went to her house to do whatever she needed. Don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoy helping elderly people out.  It’s just for some reason this weekend turned out to be extremely busy.  So after I finished at her house I spent another three hours doing a few of my own jobs.

Sunday I ended up doing  paid work that I normally would have done on Saturday.

Saturday was also busy but I was mostly doing fun stuff.  When I woke up in the morning I was feeling kind of off and it decidedly got worse as the day wore on.  My head was feeling all weird like I was in a waking dream.  I can usually ignore when this is going on. But today (Sunday) I was giving it some thought and I think that I might have actually figured out why.  My problem is recognizing when I am actually triggered.  In fact until recently I didn’t know what people meant when they said they were triggered.  I didn’t think that anything ever triggered me.  I think I realize now why that is. I am excellent at ignoring it and/or didn’t actually know what was going on.

On Saturday I went to the smallish city to attend and take part in an event.  A friend of mine asked me if I would do so and without thinking it through said yes.  Trigger number one. Before developing panic disorder and agoraphobia I did this kind of thing all the time.  With this event I would be performing in front of a large crowd.  Then as I was thinking and slightly freaking about this I thought it through even further.  Trigger number two.  Oh crap, what if my therapist attends this event since it has to do with a common interest that we have.  I never thought of that when I said yes.  I was thinking and feeling bad because if she decides to attend I will feel like I am invading her space.  I know it’s weird thinking but that how my brain seems to work.  If I’m not careful this kind of thinking can really mess with me and I wasn’t being very careful.

I had already made the commitment and didn’t feel that I could back out.  I went and was doing my thing all the while scanning the crowd.  I didn’t see her at all day, much to my relief, when just before they were drawing names for the raffle prizes I spotted her. Yikes. It’s not that I would avoid her anywhere else like in stores and such.  It just that I feel like I’m invading her space at events.  Because we both know that we have this common interest.  I think that I feel like a stalker.

I try to blend into the crowd not knowing if she has seen me.  I don’t ever see her looking my way but only she knows for sure.  I thought I was doing a good job of blending when all of a sudden my name is called out as a winner of a raffle prize.  So much for blending.  As I walk up in front of the crowd to get my prize I don’t look at anyone at all.  If I can’t see you, you can’t see me syndrome.

Now I am trying to figure out how to deal with this in our next session.  As I see it I have a few options.

1. When she asks me how my weekend was, I will say fine, I was busy and say nothing more.

2. I could say that my weekend was busy and tell her what I did without mentioning that I had seen her

3. I could say that my weekend was busy and tell her what I did and that I did see her. Except I feel bad about not going over to her and at least saying hi. But like I said for some reason I was just really triggered by it all.

I hate when things get complicated or should I say when I complicate them.

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8 Responses to Seen

  1. My therapist and I have often seen each other at church events although we don’t go to the same church. It was quite ackward at first and then I go used to it.

    For me, it really helped to talk about how it made me feel and the thoughts that went through my head.

    Wishing you the best,

    CC

    • lostinamaze says:

      I probably should talk to her considering there is a good possibility of seeing her again during my break from therapy. It’s kind of strange because I have seen her in other places and it hasn’t bothered me at all.

  2. Just Be Real says:

    As fate would have it. Wow. For some reason, you were meant to be called out.

    Well, Option #2 feels like a good one to go on. But then Option #3 would be the whole truth.

    I think as painful as it may be to discuss with your t. about the anxiety you experienced that day for fear of running into her, may be the best thing. The trigger and talking about it, may relieve some anxiety.

    Blessings to you dear one. Here with you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It was all kind of weird, I rarely ever win anything. I had no choice but to win, my ticket was the only one in that bucket and there were alot of people there. It probably is best to be honest.

  3. Dear God. Why do these things happen! I swear someone behind the scenes thinks it’s funny to run into your therapist. Okay, it partially is but on the other hand, I would have been mortified having to go up and accept your prize.

    I agree that #3 would be the most honest and open thing to do. Realistically? I would probably do 1 or 2. That said, WTF am I talking about? I just did #3 with my therapist.

    I guess it’s how you view the situation. At first I laughed when I saw T, then mortified when he turned around as I pretended not to see him. Later though, it was funny and I figured it would be an ice-breaker for the session to joke by asking if T had found what he was looking for b/c he seemed a little lost.

    Can you take a humour side to it? Maybe…I saw you and I hate to invade your space (even if we have the same interest) and then what happens? I win a prize! So much for that attempt! 🙂

    I find that if you keep the conversation light, it can make it easier to say the hard things. Wow, really sorry for the long post!

    • lostinamaze says:

      It’s ok about the long post, you have given me some ideas on how to approach it. I wonder if I didn’t mention I had seen her if she would say that she did see me? I’m pretty sure though my t will go along with whatever approach I decide to take.

      Normally I don’t think that it would have bothered me except I was preforming in this event. That felt a little much to me. I’m hoping that she didn’t show up until the end of it.

  4. Hi Lost…
    I can’t believe what happened..! To win the raffle..! THAT is a very twisted twist of fate! I SO feel for you having to go and collect your prize with the burning awareness of her presence.
    I would have freaked.
    I saw my T once in a shop just after a session. It was crazy but my heart started pounding and I was so shocked.
    I think perhaps that it is just having someone who has SEEN you… someone who knows things that nobody els could… and somene who only knows you in a very safe and boundaried place… suddenly to have them spring up in the outside world feels shocking and… just … out of place.

    I think I’d go with the third on the list but I know how hard it might be to do that. Sometimes I find I can talk about things easier if I take them to the session AFTER the immediate session (if that makes any sense). That way it is less painful somehow.

    I do understand your incredible discomfort at having to face her.
    I also COMPLETELY understand your fear that she will see it as ‘stalking’. Why IS that? I guess we have such a n intense fear of seeming ‘needy’ or ‘dependent’ that or mind starts translating ordinary experiences like bumping into someone (yor T) into something a bit distorted and frightening.

    Let us know what you decide (if you can)

    x

    • lostinamaze says:

      That’s a good way to put it. Having a set of eyes on me that knows a pile of crap about me that nobody else in this world knows and having those eyes see me in an entirely different space. Yeah, go figure that I would win a prize.

      I’m glad you understand the feeling of being a stalker. Why should I worry about it when in reality I’m just worried about invading her space. This stuff makes my brain hurt.

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